Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Parental Alert: Suspicious Candies Tested For Safety

So it turns out there's a reason why the doctor says to avoid eating hot dogs while you're pregnant.
This is one of my all-time favorite Halloween posts:

On Halloween, first and foremost, the job of a parent is to check the safety level of the trick or treat candy. After all, some of the nice neighbors might be psychos; one never can be too sure. Today we will eye their sweet gifts with caution, saving the good tidings for next month.


The first step to conducting a Candy Safety Check is to go out and collect some candy. Then dump the goods out on the kitchen table. Wrappers that look chewed by rats, shiny apples given by old ladies in hooded cloaks, homemade baked goods from strangers, contraceptives slipped into the bag by the tipsy neighbor in the cow costume who jokingly asked Mommy if she's pregnant again, and lolipops with attached political messages are immediately burned in a raging fire. If a fire is not available, the treats are turned over to a disposable member of the family, for us it’s our trusty dog Hell Hound. Note to the local SPCA: I’m only kidding. You know I love Hell Hound.


Next there are code red candies. Although it is clear to the parents that these are indeed treats, their level of tastiness makes them very dangerous. Mommy must inspect these rare, retro brands like Baby Ruth bars, Oh Henry! and the more common Kit Kat. First she crunches up each candy, dissolving it in her mouth, and after waiting a few seconds to see if she survives, she swallows the treat, sending it directly to the party in her tummy for further digestive tests. Mommy risks being poisoned, because that's part of the hard job of parenting.


Once these questionable treats are removed, parents are able to declare the rest of the bag "Safe for Kid Consumption," and the oblivious Christie children will name this year, like every one before it, THE BEST HALLOWEEN EVER.
This Point of View is re-printed in the October 27th issue of Islip Bulletin

2 comments:

Milk Man said...

Very funny. I laugh everytime I read this.

Putz said...

we have trunk or tereat in our town now and the treats are done in a church parking lots and all candy in the trunks are checked before entering the lot so no chance of tainted candy

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.

Fondly,

Loren Christie

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