|So it turns out there's a reason why the doctor says to avoid eating hot dogs while you're pregnant.|
The first step to conducting a Candy Safety Check is to go out and collect some candy. Then dump the goods out on the kitchen table. Wrappers that look chewed by rats, shiny apples given by old ladies in hooded cloaks, homemade baked goods from strangers, contraceptives slipped into the bag by the tipsy neighbor in the cow costume who jokingly asked Mommy if she's pregnant again, and lolipops with attached political messages are immediately burned in a raging fire. If a fire is not available, the treats are turned over to a disposable member of the family, for us it’s our trusty dog Hell Hound. Note to the local SPCA: I’m only kidding. You know I love Hell Hound.
Next there are code red candies. Although it is clear to the parents that these are indeed treats, their level of tastiness makes them very dangerous. Mommy must inspect these rare, retro brands like Baby Ruth bars, Oh Henry! and the more common Kit Kat. First she crunches up each candy, dissolving it in her mouth, and after waiting a few seconds to see if she survives, she swallows the treat, sending it directly to the party in her tummy for further digestive tests. Mommy risks being poisoned, because that's part of the hard job of parenting.
Once these questionable treats are removed, parents are able to declare the rest of the bag "Safe for Kid Consumption," and the oblivious Christie children will name this year, like every one before it, THE BEST HALLOWEEN EVER.