Thursday, February 26, 2009

Feeling UnBalanced

This post is for my hard core book club friends Elizabeth and Candice.

Balance is a GOOD word. It used to be my friend, but now I can’t find it anywhere. I look under the bed and stick my hand into the creases of the leather couch. I go out to the car and check the back seats. Maybe it got out when I opened the door. I contemplate grabbing a bag of Cheetos and walking a block, calling it. That would be bizarre, and I’ll certainly be arrested for neglecting dwarfs. The search on foot, however, may do wonders for my squishy abs. (How come when you lose weight, your abs stay squishy? I’ll tell you. It’s the curse of a certain Bigfoot dwarf I know who likes green permanent markers.)

It’s no use. My Balance is gone. I’m not sure why it left me. Today I start spring cleaning in hopes that I might find Balance, or bribe it to come back to my shiny home. In preparation for this cleaning spree, I travel to Home Depot and buy a cart-load of hazardous materials that require latex gloves and disposable rags. Have you read the fine print on heavy-duty cleaners? I open the windows to prevent the possibility of becoming the first Spring Cleaning martyr, taken out by the fumes.

First I tie up the children. Just kidding… maybe. First I occupy the children. Then I snap on my gloves. This makes me feel…empowered. HAHAHA! (Never drink Robitussin without the dosage cup).

While cleaning I smile, thinking of how I kept a New Year’s resolution and started a book club. It’s a hard core reading club, man. We only read classics that require two Extra Strength Tylenol per chapter. After each book is done we dye our hair green and go moshing, (not really, but a good idea, right?) Anna Karenina was the first book on our list, and I liked that one. Now we’re reading Les Miserables, unabridged, and this novel is literally kicking my arse. I’m not kidding. Fourteen hundred pages and I have no Balance to read it consistently with sick, crazy dwarfs running around. I’ve been listening to it on my I-pod while I clean. That might be cheating. I can’t find the actual book anywhere. I e-mail Milk Man at work. This is how we talk during the day.

“Have you seen my Miserable book?” I ask.

He misunderstands me and writes back: “Your manuscript is in the desk in the laundry room.” He’s referring to a book I’m writing, and he’s not joking.


In addition to losing Balance, I have officially misplaced the Clifford the Red Dog of paperbacks.

“How does this happen?” I say to the gas attendant. I stop him from filling my tank because I just realized that my wallet is missing from my bag. He does not know how I came to be such a silly, balloon-headed woman, but thinks I’m charming enough to let me go home and get it even though I owe him three dollars.

Balance left me, but Charm is still my friend.

Now I’m back to cleaning. I start with the windows. Then I move on to the stainless steel appliances. I’m feeling better until I open the cupboard. Oh, no. I slam the door shut.

There is a quarter of a bag of Nestle chocolate chips left over from cookies I was supposed to bake. I thought I purged the house of chocolate in preparation for Lent. This is BAD. It’s just me, three dwarfs, and chocolate alone for the next 10 hours straight. I'm no match for the coco bean. I hope God is laughing. It doesn’t end well. I black out and finish off the bag.

I’ll blame this Lenten slip on my loss of Balance and dwarfs. The good news is my house is cleaner and now officially chocolate-free. As penance, I promise to finish Les Miserables.
Picture is "Unbalanced" from Jetpics on Flickr. Oh how I miss the beach in Summer!


Putz said...

i get dizzy when i walk occassionally and feel like your picture on this blog, but i have an excuse....i so loved reading les miserables but when i mentioned to daniel if he would like to go see the stage production where he would be able to also listen to anrew lloyd weber's music, he said he would rather put his head in our toliet

Loren Christie said...

Mr. Putz,
I saw the show on Broadway when I was sixteen. My grandmother took me as a birthday present. Then we ate lunch at the Red Tea Room. The show was beautiful. The book, however, has long tedious parts that are not in the show.

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

Remember I told you Hugo loves commas more than you? His sentence describing King Phillippe goes on for 2 pages; lots of semicolons and commas for you! It helps to have a cup of coffee before the descriptive chapters. I took lots of naps during the 60-page description of Waterloo. Oh, and it's only 1260 pages. The love story starts exactly halfway through. I did not give up chocolate because it's hopeless for me. I often turn to the bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips as needed! And I just remembered today I will not be able to bake you my Hershey's Cocoa cake because of your resolution! Maybe we should have it after midnight so it'll be Sunday.

Caity said...

Oh my gosh! Les Miserables was my favorite play ever. I've seen it multiple times on Broadway and when I was younger I always wanted to try out for Cosette when I was older. I should totally read the book someday.

I'm glad you got some cleaning done and found your book. Cleaning always makes me feel better and I love how unexpected things always turn up.

However, I am also lazy so instead of cleaning I often just beg St. Anthony. :P

jenx67 said...

YOu are such a talented writer. I love the balloon-headed woman line. And, losing balance, keeping charm. Brilliant, Loren.

Koala Bear Writer said...

I'm trying to feel sorry for you, but your writing is so good that it's hard. :) Maybe I need to tackle Les Miserable again myself. And I'm quit impressed that, while I was baking cupcakes today for church tomorrow, I only licked off the spoon a few times, and did not help myself to the chocolate chips. (Because usually, like you, I'd be eating them. Sigh. How long is Lent???)

Loren Christie said...

Oh Koala,
Now I have Tagalong girl scout cookies in my house. I'm going to hell.

Loren Christie said...

Thank you for the sweet comments everyone. They are better than chocolate.

Candi said...

Hi Loren!

I just read this tonight...I feel special to be included in your blog! I still have not finished the book...this weekend was too nice to sit inside and read...that's my excuse this time!


Loren Christie said...

Candi, I'm going to listen to the book on my Ipod nonstop so I can catch up with you. If I start listening now and leave it playing while I sleep I can finish in two days. Still can't find the paperback. Maybe Hell Hound ate it. That's my excuse this time. (This is why we get along so well.)Remember that Chaucer class with the textbook written in Middle English and my size 14 font research paper? :)

Anonymous said...

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Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.


Loren Christie

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