Saturday, February 14, 2009

Hell Hound's Weekend Update: Mom, I Enlisted


Hello odorless, non-edible device that mesmerizes humans. I finally enlist in PETA's army via registration on their website to watchdog certain animals' rights. A representative is dispatched to the Christie House, in the guise of a new pet cat. He is a decorated soldier in PETA's army named General Norman Whiskers. At first I mistake him for a criminal when Alpha Dog brings him home from Al-CAT-raz, but he takes me aside and reveals his true identity: a Super Spy for the PETA organization. In light of this revelation, I pledge my unwavering Beagle loyalty to him, and vow to help him carry out every secret mission he receives from PETA in the Christie household.
Our first order involves securing turkey flesh from the humans, and is executed successfully. General Whiskers praises me highly for my cunning and keen ability to beg. More top secret missions follow. "Operation: Help the Dwarf Score Cookies" involves helping baby Bigfoot reach and pull down a giant tin of Dutch Christmas cookies on the dining room table. I stand in the doorway in a lookout position, while General Whiskers leads the said dwarf to the food.

The next order from PETA, called "Operation: Take the Blame," is not as easy. General Whiskers executes a suspicious aloe plant in the bathroom, ripping it out by the roots and dumping it into the jacuzzi tub.
"This plant is a chicken hater, Herman Hound. He has to die," General Whiskers explains, as I watch in horror.
"It's Hell Hound," I correct him, "and I am a girl."
"Whatever, Horace Hound." mumbles the cat, as he rushes past me and out the bathroom door.
Then Alpha Dog enters and gasps at the mess. Next thing I know, I'm booted outside, in trouble for something I didn't do. In the window sits the general, on my favorite chair, winking and giving air high fives. I know I must be a brave dog, and that being a soldier is no easy task, but something seems strange. I fear a suicide mission may be in my future. The general has been taking about how noble it would be for a dog to give its life for PETA. I don't know about that, but I could see dying for bacon, or Milk Man's dirty dress socks.

-Hell Hound

2 comments:

jenx67 said...

ooooohhhhh, now i'm so jealous. this looks fabulousio! you did well! i love the music, too.

i haven't read your new posts, yet, so i'll be back to comment more soon.

Bear Midnight Miller said...

So you finally got access to the family computer, Hell Hound! That was a mission in itself. I was beginning to think General Norman Whiskers had taken siege. We dogs must stand up for our freedom of speech! I have a new spot in my house. I think you'd like it. It's kind of like the television but it's really warm. I like to lay in front of it and take a nap. I'm glad there are no cats in this house. It would probably take up all my favorite spots.

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.

Fondly,

Loren Christie

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