Wednesday, March 11, 2009

My Life As Norman Whiskers: Women are Evil

It seems rather preposterous to assume that the human woman is evil, and yet, all of my dealings with them throughout my seven and a half lives suggests that this idea is true. As part of a paper I am writing for an online course, I am exploring the idea of The Evil Stereotype of Women Throughout History. My subjects are the humans in the Christie household, and most recently, my Lady and the little governess have shown a darker side.
Long before I knew the Christies, there was Trixie, my first love, a feline from New Jersey. Although she was not a human woman, she was, in fact, very similar. Flighty, emotional, cunning, and yet sweet and deeply sympathetic at times, this was Trixie. Yet, I still loved her, as I do my Lady.
This past week I feel debased and dejected by my little governess when, after an attempt to flee her coloring lesson, she uses corporal punishment on me. She tries to kick me in the tail. My Lady, however, is swift to my defense, sitting the little sprite on a naughty seat for something called "time out." (Time Out is similar to what I had when I found myself stranded at AL-CAT-RAZ, only my governess does not have to fear execution.) Despite her penalty, I am still quite outraged and considering writing letters to my congressmen, or contacting Hell Hound's Army, PETA.
I document the strange act of violence in my research paper, posing a question via email to my professor concerning the capacity of the human female for cruelty. I haven't heard back yet. I am feeling very angry at the little governess, and have decided to play hooky from her classes for the time being.
Meanwhile, I check on my dear Lady, who is busy typing her blog. Unlike my governess, my Lady is very kind to me. This, in part, is why I fell in love with her at AL-CAT-RAZ. As I situate myself on the table beside the laptop, I see her do something that fascinates me, and only deepens my obsession with her. I realize that this woman should have been a cat. She opens a package of yellow chicks, and one by one, eats them whole.
"MeeeWow! That is the sexiest thing I've EVAR seen!" I yell, forgetting I should never talk in front of humans.

My Lady coughs on a bird. "What did you just say?!" Her look is incredulous.
"Sweet Lady, you just ate a package of birds, whole. I am enamoured and fixated on your actions." I explain.
"Norman, calm down." she laughs. "They're called Peeps, and they are marshmallows, not real birds." Then, leaning into my face she shouts, "AH HA! I just made you talk again. I knew it!"
I run from the room, realizing my folly. My Lady, whom I thought to be kind and wonderful, is forcing me to break Cat Code of Conduct. She has lured me once again into a trap to make me speak! It turns out that she is cunning and harsh, just like the governess. I must make note of this for my research.
Cheerio!
-Norman Whiskers

6 comments:

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

Very funny! Our Easter bunny tends to break into the Easter candy as she's setting out the baskets. Mysteriously, all the orange and purple jelly beans are gone by morning. You've got an early start on her.

Milk Man said...

I cannot concur with Whiskers findings based on the trouble I generally find myself in!

jenX67 said...

delightful!

Putz said...

oh this stuff is ssoooooooo good

Loren Christie said...

I soooo love Norman Whiskers the cat. He really did go into hunt mode when he saw me eat the peeps. Then he realized that they were not real bird. He was one of the best birthday gifts to myself EVAR!

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

I picked up some peeps tonight and had to keep myself from giggling thinking of this post.

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.

Fondly,

Loren Christie

Be Our Guest!

Be Our Guest!
Come tour the John Scudder Havens Historic Homestead at 15 Main Street, Center Moriches, NY. Click on the picture for more infomation.

Search This Blog