Sunday, April 12, 2009
Hell Hound's Weekend Update: Maybe I'm the Next Ron Howard
E! Channel's new reality series: "Keeping Up with Hell Hound"
The scene is a den and a large wooden table adorned with yummies such as candy-flavored road kill and unhatched chicken children in cartons. Alpha dog and her litter of humans are decorating the eggs in preparation for HUMAN CONSUMPTION. (Write that down, PETA.) Meanwhile, dog is waiting for the chance to raid the table.
Dog sees table. Dog sits under table looking casual, with droopy eyes. Dog has no particular reason whatsoever for sitting directly under a child, who is waving his hard boiled egg in the air. Dog attempts to appear sleepy, yawning/swallowing child's egg and fist. Child screams. Dog coughs up egg and points to cat with paw. Cat snort-laughs. Dog gets pulled by the ear to the door and is thrown outside into the cold. Cut to a close-up of Dog tasting bitter rain drops. (Notice the intense drama here.)
Dog wails and howls in the yard. Next door is an old cemetery,(suspense builds here). Dog attempts to conjure up the souls of her Hell Hound ancestors. Skeleton leans over fence and smacks dog. (Insert laugh track.) Cat, watching from window, snickers again. Cat presses an advertisement from the Pennysaver on the glass window. Dog moves closer to read it. It is a chance to pose nude to protest humans wearing fur coats. Dog is inspired! Surely this stunt will increase ratings. Dog pulls out cell phone and applies for the modeling position.
At the photo shoot dog is dressed in a robe. Cat is behind a large camera, waiting to snap pictures of dog. Dog drops the robe and smiles, but feels a bit chilly, and self-conscious. (Her rear is so big from eating stolen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that it practically swallows up her tail). (Flashback to Cat soaking the robe in NAIR.) Dog screams like a lady. It turns out that Dog would rather wear FUR than be naked.
"I can't do this," Dog barks, storming off set. Dog loses modeling contract.
Camera pans in on dog's droopy eyes. Sad, sad dogs on violins are cued. Cat is smiling in an evil fashion.
Cut to end credits. (Remember to thank PETA)
(Stay tuned for the next episode of Keeping Up with Hell Hound. Claws fly when the pets fight over title rights to Cat's new perfume, and Alpha Dog suggests Hell Hound is overweight.)
Dear Internet Traveler,
Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.