Saturday, April 25, 2009

My Life as Norman Whiskers: Hell Hound is a Cold Blooded Killer!

That devilish dumb-as-rocks dog ate my governess' little plastic blond friend with purple wings named Tinkerbell. The governess became quite frenzied at the discovery of her little friend chewed to bits, arms, legs, decapitated head strewn all about the kitchen like a miniature gruesome crime scene. I'm sure after I finish drafting my letter to Walt Disney Corporation Goofy will arrive at the door of the Christie household and arrest this dog.

I have recently become a bit of a cheeky, wise cat, after obtaining a psychology degree online and deciding to quit hiding my ability to speak English. Now I advise my Lady, acting as her personal life coach.

She approaches me near the porch window, quite unraveled about this DOG.
"Oh, Norman, "What can I do with such a Hellish Hound?!" She asks.

"Well, my lady, you have several options. The death penalty for evil dogs is completely legal, so that is one. Otherwise, I know an unusually huge pigeon named Biggy Smalls who lives in the graveyard next door. He's been in an East side/West side of the fence war with Hell Hound ever since she swallowed his best friend whole. He tells me he can make Hell Hound disappear for a bag of seed. What do you say?!"

I try to keep my tone of voice even, not wanting to sound overly enthusiastic about the prospect of ridding my world of Hell Hound, as my Lady might be further unnerved. If she didn't love the ghastly creature, things would be less complicated.

"You have to toughen up and send her to the prison, my Lady, once and for all! You have too much sympathy for this animal." I say.

"Norman, if I were any less sympathetic then I would not have looked to save another cat from prison, and you would not be lounging on my favorite chair right now."

I button up, since this is true. I guess it's time to work out a deal with Biggy Smalls on my own.

7 comments:

Bear Midnight Miller said...

Hell Hound, if you can hear me, I am sending my mom to come to your rescue! There are lots of good bones here and my mom forgets to put fences around her gardens so you can lay in the freshly dug up earth on top of newly planted treasures. I can show you a great hiding place under the deck in case she threatens us with a bath. That is really the worst thing that ever happens here.

Left Coast Rebel said...

Cute story, reminds me of our kitty, Ms Lucy and the shennanigans that she is always up to. She has a similiar 'degree' as well.

Bear Midnight Miller said...

P.S. The worst possible thing really did happen today. My people tied me up and gave me a bath. I think my mom is going to let me guest post about it because she felt really sorry for me. The good news is it probably won't happen again for a really long time.

rhymeswithplague said...

This post, in a nutshell, shows what went wrong with the world at The Fall. A sweet, innocent canine is burdened with the slanderous name Hell Hound, while a conniving feline who seems to be channeling that very location is held up as a model of decorum, patronized, and even listened to by an unsuspecting human who think the ideas are her own.

"Norman," indeed. Who art thou?

Mr. Norman Whiskers said...

Mr. Rebel, Your cat sounds like a looker, send me her email. Bear Dog, haha ha. You're a peanut brain. Mr. Plague, I consulted President Obama about you, and he said that while you are a cause for concern, I should not be alarmed by your comments. Just as Jean Valean had a broken past that haunted him, I too have been greatly misunderstood under previous names such as Bigotes Grandes, Comet, and Sonny Sharptooth. My life is different now. I am proud that my Lady loves me and I like being nice ole' Norman. Hell Hound is a dog. As an educated, refined cat, it is in my nature to want to destroy her. If I wanted to be a mouse, then I'd be her friend.

Putz said...

hooray to all of you

Bear Midnight Miller said...

Yes, Norman, thank you for bringing up our normal animal natures, because it is my dog nature to defend my fellow dog friends against cats who steal their people's positive attentions. But Hell Hound, I did hear some things about you that make me wonder. Please try to be a good dog so I can keep speaking up for you.

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.

Fondly,

Loren Christie

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