Wednesday, June 03, 2009

My Life As Norman Whiskers: I'm Half the Cat I Used To Be


I know I haven't written in a while. The truth is, I've been dealing with some feelings. A couple of days ago something CAT-a-strophic happened in my world.


I broke the number one rule of Cat Code of Conduct. I saved the dog.

Let me explain. After the aliens betrayed me, spitting Hell Hound out of their UFO and back onto the porch, I was furious, naturally. I paid them two seasons of Scrubs on DVD. In exchange, they were supposed to keep her for lab experiments on Mars. So I stole my dear Lady's box sets for nothing. The guilt was overwhelming.


Nevertheless, I pull myself together emotionally and sketch out a plan on the inside of the bathroom vanity door with my claw to rid the world of Hell Hound once and for all. It involves locating a zip lock bag in a kitchen drawer, and filling it with wild bird seed from a bucket in the basement. After stealthy sneaking, I secure the object and wait for my chance to deliver it to Biggy Smalls. I have to get the dwarf to open the sliding screen door in the den in order to get outside, since my Lady insults my manhood by labeling me an "indoor cat." (I love her despite her character flaws.)

I find the dwarf pushing tiny trains with peculiar faces on a carpet near the television.
"Big-Footed Child Dwarf, Come here!" I whisper-shout.
The dwarf looks up from his mindless game.

"Na, Na! Oh Hai, Na Na! What do?" He says, thrilled and surprised that I'm actually seeking his attention.

"Yes, scary little human, I would like to be your "pal." I pur.

"Oh, Na, Na! Hai Five," says the creature, slapping me on the head. I endure the abuse, remembering that the end will justify the means.


"Listen, little boy, I need you to open the door. Would you like to go outside and play with me?" I ask, my lips twisting into an evil grin.

"Yeah Na, Na! Outside play!" The dwarf baby slides open the screen and I run through his legs with the bag of wild bird seed clutched in my teeth.
Near the fence, Biggy Smalls the pigeon is busy marking the bird feeder with his tag sign in a shade of white.

"What you got there, Cat? Is that bag for Biggy?"

I nod and drop the bag of seed at his feet.

"Okay, Consider it done."

I watch as Biggy ruffles his feathers and prepares for take off, eyeing his destination with contempt. Hell Hound is asleep on the lawn, paws upturned toward heaven, mouth agape. I tell myself that it is very humane for a creature to die in her sleep. Hell Hound won't know what hit her.

The pigeon takes flight, swooping down to pick up a brick. Then he flies toward Hell Hound. Just then I see my Lady run outside, muttering with her hand on her heart. She has a look of terror on her face. I realize her distress. She can not find the dwarf baby. Again, guilt floods my heart, and this time it bursts.

"I run toward Hell Hound shouting "Wake up, You! DOG! Run for your life!" The beast is out cold, marching in PETA's army in her sleep.

As Biggy Smalls drops the brick right over her, I scream:

"STEAK! Hell Hound!"

The dog leaps to her feet and runs towards the house, avoiding the descending object by seconds.

"Norman! What are you doing out here?! Do you want to run away?"

My Lady, who has just located the dwarf by the swings, is walking toward me carrying him in her arms.

I sigh, touching the screen with my paw, ears flattened in defeat.

"No, my Lady. I would never run away. Please let me back in the house."

Biggy Smalls looks on incredulously, as three Blue Jays roll on the grass with laughter beside him. My Lady picks me up and kisses me on the nose in front of the birds.

"Oh, poor kitty! You tried to search for the baby for me? What a good kitty cat! I love you!"

Somebody get me a paper bag for my head.

-Norman Whiskers

2 comments:

Bear Midnight Miller said...

You look so innocent when you're sleeping, Norman. The littlest person here just passed by the computer and said, "Oh wook it's a kitty cat!"

Milk Man said...

Loren,

This post had me laughing outloud. I love it. Happy 14th year.

John

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.

Fondly,

Loren Christie

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