Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Life as Norman Whiskers: A Duck Meatz Celebration of Some Sort

I enter the parlor set on another day of lounging in the sun and lunging at the window to catch some Blue Jay meatz, and what, to my surprise, do I find? The space is decorated with banners, duck meatz balloons, and strings. In the center is my Lady's favorite chair. Wrapped presents are stacked beside it. I jump up in it and survey the room further.

I do not believe it is my birthday. However, it looks as though this festive room has been decorated in my honor. Hints of duck meatz are everywhere. There are strings and bags galore! I think, delighted.

"Oh, how grand!" I exclaim to the the balloon. He does not respond. I am not phased by his unsocial nature. He probably fears me.

"Do not be afraid floating Duck meatz. I will not eat you yet." I shout, thinking perhaps the creature is hard of hearing.

I lick my paws and smooth down my whiskers in preparation for my soon-to-be-arriving party guests, (all cats, of course).

My thoughts wander. Perhaps it is a "Celebrating Nine Lives of Norman Party." There will be a slide show of my life and guests from my past will speak formally about me. Oh, I hope the ex-girlfriends don't show up all at once. That could lead to a most uncomfortable cat fight. My friend Axle will talk about our time in the metal trash can band when I had a mullet. Of course I will blush, since recalling this phase is most embarrassing, but I will secretly revel in the attention. Then the boys from Al-Cat-Raz will crash the party and spit up milk on my Lady's oriental rug. The people will arrive home and gasp. I will be disowned and cast out into the cold world a-gain to roam the streets alone!

"Oh Sorry Day! I must prevent this celebration of Norman's Life from happening!" I yell.

I jump off the chair of honor and run around the parlor in a tizzy. That's when I see it: the banner above the fireplace mantle. I sound out the word.


What could this mean? I wonder. I run upstairs and knock violently on the bathroom vanity drawer. A rickety old Princess Leah cat peeps her head out.

She gazes at me sleepily, focusing her cloudy green eyes with much effort. She is forteen years old and very wise.

"The jewels are in my Lady's ... Oh, it's you Norman. I thought you were a cat burglar of some sort. What is all the fuss now? I'm busy sleeping, you know."

"Princess Leah, do you know anything about the celebration downstairs?"

"The celebration?" The old cat leaps unsteadily out of the drawer and lands clumsily on the tile, her feet tottering to regain balance.

"Yes, there are strings and balloons in the shape of duck meatz, bags to jump in and the word:
B-A-B-Y hanging from a string. What does it all mean, old gal?"

Princess Leah looks out into space for a moment, then replies:

"Oh Hello Norman, I didn't see you there. How are you today?"

"AAARRRG!" I grumble, frustrated by her senility. Then I run downstairs to find my Lady and ask her directly the meaning of the decor and the word over the mantel.

On my way, I trip over Hell Hound in the den, startling her out of a morning nap.

"Sir, Yes Sir!" She shouts, jumping to her feet.

I raise my paw, and address the dog in an authoritative tone. "At ease Hell Hound. Tell me, what is the meaning of the word B-A-B-Y?"

"Sir, That means a human dwarf, sir! Alpha dog brings it home, adds liquid to it and then it grows into a walking, talking human. Eventually it gets big enough to push you outside when you are naughty, and tell people on you when you steal yummies, sir!"

I mull over all that Hell Hound said, and prance into the kitchen where I find my Lady baking delicious cakes and breads.

"What are you preparing for, my Lady? Are you expecting to have a litter of dwarfs soon? I jump up into her arms and press her tummy. It is not lumpy.

"Amazing!" I shout adding, "Is the party for me then?"

My Lady laughs. "No I'm not having a dwarf, Norman and the party is for a human. My friends and I are throwing a ladies' tea/baby shower here this weekend for S___ who is expecting a baby boy next month."

"Oh, How lovely!" I exclaim in my best human lady voice, while running back into the parlor and flopping on the seat of honor.

"A Ladies' Tea/Baby Shower. I knew that all along." I say, disappointed.
-Norman Whiskers


jen said...

This stuff cracks me up. What is meatz???

Mr. Norman Whiskers said...

Hi Jen the human,
Meatz is dinner. I believe in English the correct spelling is "meat" but in my excitement, I add a "Z" for some extra ZING!

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

This brings back memories of one of my Disney favorites, The Lady and the Tramp.

Loren Christie said...

Oh, I love that movie and the line "When a baby moves in a dog moves out!"

TitansFan said...

I enjoyed the whole blog! From top to bottom. The music play list is great too.

Funny cat was sitting in your bathroom vanity drawer! My cat found a way to open my Bathroom Vanity. Smart little buggers 8-)

Milk Man said...

These Photos are even better

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.


Loren Christie

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