Thursday, September 17, 2009

Tall Tales or (Tails)

"What are you thinking Norman?!" I ask, exasperated by finding a torn lace curtain and a dislodged screen in the porch. Norman looks alarmed, shaking in a hedge near the house. I go outside and crawl into the bush to retrieve him. Norman is an indoor cat, and has been ever since his rescue from the pound last year on my birthday.

"Well, my Lady, I was lying on the rug contemplating quantum physics, when I was literally lifted up by the scruff of the neck and CAT-apulted, (no pun intended) out the window. The sheer force of my weight ripped the curtain and pushed out the screen. Please forgive me for the damage."

"You expect me to believe that someone threw you out the window?" I ask, impatiently, entering the house again and fixing the screen.

"Yes, I do. After all, my lady, you do believe I can talk."

I frown, and continue. "Well, who did it, then?"

"My Lady, I believe it was the ghost of your dead cat, that daft brute, Scutch the Butcher. You see, he must have spied King George XII of the Blue Jays on the feeder. I know this because as I was being hurled I heard that peculiar growl and his famous catch phrase: GETZ MEATZ NEOW! Before I could protest, I found myself out of doors, exposed to the harsh, raw world of speeding machines. So I hid myself and meekly called for your assistance."

"So, you're blaming my dead cat for your mischief?"

"Well, yes, precisely and I'm sure he'll be back to kick my tail when he discovers I have not returned with MEATZ. Oh SORRY DAY! HIDE ME my Lady."

"You know your tail is growing." I say, hands on hips.

"Oh, you mean like that wooden boy that the little governess watches on television? Now that is truly rubbish. I can't be fooled today, my Lady. Try again tomorrow. Now do be a good Lady and go get me a Pounce treat."

(One of Mama Kat's writing prompts today is What would you ask your pet if he could talk?.)


our b life said...

Your cat sounds like a real character. Comment love for Mamma Kat's promts.

Unknown Mami said...

Any cat that calls you "my Lady" is alright in my book. Such a genteel cat.

Jennifer said...

"go get me a Pounce treat." Now that is probably what an animal would really say.

Mr. Norman Whiskers said...

Stay tuned humans, for my next writing prompt: What would I do to get my Lady to stop meowing in her human accent when she attempts a conversation with me? SO annoying. Thanks for commenting, humans.

Hell Hound said...

Norman Whiskers,
I know you've been trying to kill me and I plan to eat you eventually. Sleep with one eye open, cat.

Sean said...

If my dog could talk I'd ask why she can be such a pain at times and others shes a sweetheart.

Loren Christie said...

Hi Sean, Maybe she's working for PETA, like my dog, Hell Hound.

Koala Bear Writer said...

Very funny!

caitysparkles said...

Oh goodness! What a naughty kitty!! :(

Bear Midnight Miller said...

You naughty cat. You think you're so cute. All cats just want attention and they don't care if they have to cause some damage to get it. Or step over some poor dog who was in the house before you for years and years...

Putz said...

yep loren a superwoman, reading a post about two or three back

Mr. Norman Whiskers said...

Mr. Putz, Is there any space in your heart for a cute little Hell Hound? (Free Shipping on all orders, and if you agree right now I'll throw in an apple pie that's cooling on the counter, packaged separately of course!)

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.


Loren Christie

Be Our Guest!

Be Our Guest!
Come tour the John Scudder Havens Historic Homestead at 15 Main Street, Center Moriches, NY. Click on the picture for more infomation.

Search This Blog