Sunday, January 16, 2011

Be Careful What You Wish For

“I wanna big fat snowstorm,” I said. As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. When I awoke, my bedroom window screen was caked in white. I thought we had 2 feet until I looked closer and realized that the wind was driving snow against the screen.

Meanwhile, my 110 year-old house decided to offer me an ultimatum regarding a cesspool issue we had been avoiding since we moved in 10 years ago. I knew I had a problem when, after washing two pots in the kitchen sink, a gurgle sound came up from the drain. It went on for so long that I was sure the pipes were going to show off their ability to recite the alphabet. These walls don’t usually talk, but at that moment, I understood that it was time to replace the shallow, 40 year old cesspools that have become a safety hazard, or build that sun room I’ve always dreamed of adding on out of dung.

“Well, if we go with the dung idea it would be a really eco-friendly choice, and green construction is 'in' right now,” I told my husband, who was getting the yellow pages out of the kitchen cupboard. There is nothing “green” about him, unless you count his Jets team apparel.

Because of the storm we had to wait a few days until the pools could be replaced. I needed to do about 10 baskets full of laundry, so I grabbed a garbage pail and hooked my washer pipe to it. Then I dragged the pail outside behind the shed and dumped the water in the snow. By the eighth trip out there I was thinking about people who have to travel to water wells, and I was wondering who hangs out at them. Maybe, I thought as I pulled the pail across the snow, Jack and Jill, or perhaps, Jesus will happen to be waiting for me near the shed on this trip. That would be cool since I do have some questions for all of them.

However, no one was behind the shed, nor was it an actual well. Instead, I had formed a big muddy puddle in the snow.

“Alright we definitely have to get new cesspools,” I said, rolling the pail into the house.

A few days later, as my backyard was being bulldozed, I had the most brilliant idea. I’ve had it with snow, I thought. Sure, it’s lovely and all of that, but hey! Enough already. This cesspool issue is a perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.

So I took the cat carrier out of the closet and walked out into the yard to wave to the cesspool super hero we hired to save us from dung. He stopped the truck and opened the door. My husband was out there too giving the crew some coffee.

“Can you do me a favor?” I asked the foreman.

“OK, ” he said, eyeing the carrier with a perplexed look.

“Please dig up a ground hog for me. I bet you’ll find one sleeping in one of those holes,” I said, pointing to the white and brown swirled ground. “If you do, tell him I want to work out a deal of some kind in regard to seeing his shadow. Throw him into this and call me, alright?”
The foreman took the carrier and looked over at my husband, who was shaking his head at me as if my jokes are much worse than his.

“Whatever my wife says, just laugh and nod,” he told them.

They didn’t catch a ground hog for me, but nevertheless, I took an 45 minute shower that night after we got new cesspools. Maybe it wasn’t the “green” thing to do, but man, it felt good.


Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

My cesspool guy said no showers or laundry for 48 hours after pumping. I think ours is going to have to be done after all this snow melts! There is a big hole in the snow where our cesspool is!

Loren Christie said...

oh no. I feel your pain.:(

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Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.


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