Sunday, January 16, 2011

How the NY Jets Won Me a New Bathroom

I was busy doing the dishes when I overheard my husband talking on the phone. “Oh, Baby. Can you believe it? Oh, Baby! Catch you later,” he said, laughing. I did not feel threatened by the conversation, after all, I knew this “mistress” very well. It was his best friend from high school and they have a poignant history together as long-suffering Jet fans that I don’t interfere with.

Next, he was in the kitchen giving me and our three little kids strict orders. The children were at the table eating pork chops and potatoes.

“All of you look down at your clothes; do not put them in the hamper tonight. You’re wearing them next Sunday,” he said.

“Even our underwear?” my oldest asked.

“Yes.”

This order was followed by a mixed reaction from the trio.

"Cool!" our two boys exclaimed.

"EW!" shouted Princess.

“You,” my husband continued, pointing at the dog who was playing dead near the kitchen table, “don’t lick that dirt off your paws.”

“Everybody has to start next Sunday exactly the same way as today. I think the Jets are going to the Super Bowl,” he announced, nervously.

I almost laughed, but held back. Don't get me wrong, I do like the Jets. A wife can relate to the game of football. Marriage is very similar. In many instances I wonder how I can win without being penalized for unnecessary roughness. Take today, for example. I thought it best not to upset this giddy fan because I need a new bathroom. The last time it was updated Chaka Khan was on the Pop Charts. Some of the tiles have fallen off the walls. The sink faucet drips and something angry is living in the jet-holes of the long-defunct Jacuzzi tub. Honestly, both my husband and I hate that room. Sometimes I fantasize about putting a bomb in there, closing the door and detonating it.

This morning I noticed that several of the materials we need for the job were on sale at Home Depot and I made a strategic play to get my husband to notice. I left the store circular advertising “great deals” next to the coffee pot.

He took the bait. I caught him thumbing through the pages while chewing an "everything" bagel.

So after the Jets won the AFC Division Play-off game, and he made the passionate phone call to his sports lover, after helping the kids change into pajamas and carefully preserving their clothing in plastic bags to re-wear next Sunday, my husband came into the den looking for me.

“I’m thinking about ripping the bathroom out tomorrow, since I was mulling it over this morning and then the Jets won today. That means if I go ahead with it then they’ll make it to the Super Bowl,” he said.

YES! I thought, not caring that his idea was based on fuzzy logic. Next, it was critical that I form my response carefully in order to properly encourage and reward this spontaneous desire to fix the house.

“I think that’s the sexiest thing I’ve heard all day and I’m sure if you re-did the downstairs bathroom I’d be your slave, I said, whispering the last word in his ear for effect.

The sledge hammer was in his hand in about 3.2 seconds. Go, Jets! We make a great team, baby. ;)

9 comments:

Caity said...

Oh my goodness this had me laughing out loud! You guys are so cute. I seriously love this story. I hope his Jets do well. My dad would be pretty happy, too!

Milk Man said...

I am JET FAN and part-time plumber/construction worker for hire.

Anonymous said...

I remember that you liked to write but man, you've really come so far. You have some bold thoughts here as usual and really funny pieces too. Your kids are beautiful. Congrats on the book and all my best,

an old FAN of you.

Loren Christie said...

Anon: wish u would have signed this comment.Thank you sincerely.You made my day.
Loren

Putz said...

ah geeeez loren , i have some bad news>>>>the steelers are going to win the super bowl, I AM SO SURE, because my neighbor 's brother named keisel is playing first string for them, and he guaranteeeeeees it

Putz said...

oh ansd p.s. by the way i have my sunday clothes in an brand new duffell bag in the same shape they were in last sunday even to the very rock in my shoe, so steelers can't lose

Loren Christie said...

Don't tell me this Mr. Putz. You are ruining my perfect plan. ;)

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

This is hysterical! I love it when Kevin's team wins because it puts him in a good mood. And I love Monday night football because it means poker nights are suspended for a season.

Loren Christie said...

Hi Elizabeth. Thanks for the comment> :)

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.

Fondly,

Loren Christie

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