Sunday, January 16, 2011
How the NY Jets Won Me a New Bathroom
Next, he was in the kitchen giving me and our three little kids strict orders. The children were at the table eating pork chops and potatoes.
“All of you look down at your clothes; do not put them in the hamper tonight. You’re wearing them next Sunday,” he said.
“Even our underwear?” my oldest asked.
This order was followed by a mixed reaction from the trio.
"Cool!" our two boys exclaimed.
"EW!" shouted Princess.
“You,” my husband continued, pointing at the dog who was playing dead near the kitchen table, “don’t lick that dirt off your paws.”
“Everybody has to start next Sunday exactly the same way as today. I think the Jets are going to the Super Bowl,” he announced, nervously.
I almost laughed, but held back. Don't get me wrong, I do like the Jets. A wife can relate to the game of football. Marriage is very similar. In many instances I wonder how I can win without being penalized for unnecessary roughness. Take today, for example. I thought it best not to upset this giddy fan because I need a new bathroom. The last time it was updated Chaka Khan was on the Pop Charts. Some of the tiles have fallen off the walls. The sink faucet drips and something angry is living in the jet-holes of the long-defunct Jacuzzi tub. Honestly, both my husband and I hate that room. Sometimes I fantasize about putting a bomb in there, closing the door and detonating it.
This morning I noticed that several of the materials we need for the job were on sale at Home Depot and I made a strategic play to get my husband to notice. I left the store circular advertising “great deals” next to the coffee pot.
He took the bait. I caught him thumbing through the pages while chewing an "everything" bagel.
So after the Jets won the AFC Division Play-off game, and he made the passionate phone call to his sports lover, after helping the kids change into pajamas and carefully preserving their clothing in plastic bags to re-wear next Sunday, my husband came into the den looking for me.
“I’m thinking about ripping the bathroom out tomorrow, since I was mulling it over this morning and then the Jets won today. That means if I go ahead with it then they’ll make it to the Super Bowl,” he said.
YES! I thought, not caring that his idea was based on fuzzy logic. Next, it was critical that I form my response carefully in order to properly encourage and reward this spontaneous desire to fix the house.
“I think that’s the sexiest thing I’ve heard all day and I’m sure if you re-did the downstairs bathroom I’d be your slave, I said, whispering the last word in his ear for effect.
The sledge hammer was in his hand in about 3.2 seconds. Go, Jets! We make a great team, baby. ;)
Dear Internet Traveler,
Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.