Thursday, December 15, 2011

I Just Got the Armegeddon Memo

I just found out that the end of the world is December 21, 2012. A USA TODAY article states that scientists deciphered the doom message from a stone sticky note left behind by the long-extinct ancient Mayans. The good news is that it doesn’t look like national or local officials are too upset about it. I guess Armageddon is not expected to be as catastrophic as Tropical Storm Irene.


In fact, this possible apocalypse could mean I’ll get a few extra days off for the holidays, and won’t have to finish my Christmas shopping, or meet my article deadlines for work next holiday season. I’ll have even bigger decisions to make, like how will I spend my last moments on Earth? Should I max out my credit cards, and then eat until I explode while I give air kisses along with thoughtfully wrapped gift cards to family, friends and complete strangers? Nah, that’s boring. I do that every December.

I hate to admit it, but I’ll probably just stay home drinking hot chocolate and watching Family Man- my favorite Christmas movie- in my blue fuzzy slippers and micro-fleece pajamas. While I wish my last words were something romantic like, “I’ll never let go, Jack. I promise I’ll never let go,” or memorably heroic like,” The only thing we have to fear is FEAR itself,” I’m fairly certain they’ll turn out to be, “If you swing that yo yo again and hit your sister, there will be consequences!”

Actually, I’m OK with that because my life has been good so far and if it ends next December I’ll be grateful for the cool time I’ve had up until now. I’ll be happy that because of my ancient friends’ forewarning, I had enough time to get a pedicure and make sure I’m wearing brand new underwear before the chaos begins.

In truth, we all know that the world is not going to end on a day we expect. Anyone who has ever read The Bible or watched Heroes on NBC knows that’s not how God works. A predictable ending is a boring one. Instead, the end of the world is going to be a day and hour that makes human go:

“WHAAAAAAAAT?”

That spoonful of chocolate mousse will be one centimeter from my mouth.
I’ll probably be stuck in the shower covered in soap when it happens- or worse yet, sitting on the, well, you know. That spoonful of chocolate mousse cake will be one centimeter from my mouth. Maybe it will happen in the morning, when I’m looking for my son’s lost sneaker five minutes before the arrival of the school bus and answering an unsolicited robo phone call from Newt Gingrich. Perhaps I’ll be standing outside of the Quick Mart scratching off that winning mega million lottery ticket or watching the Jets about to win the Super Bowl, because I’d bet my iPad that God has a hell of a sense of humor.

And that’s OK too, as long as it’s entertaining, but just in case The END is not next December 21st, I guess I’ll go back to my regularly scheduled life.

Blogger's note:
This post went through a lot of drafts. Above is the final version that ended up as a point of view in the January 5th issue of SCN.  I'm hoping it will also run in the "My Turn" column of a future issue of LIA as well. -Loren

5 comments:

Putz said...

yes , you have had a good life so far, haven't you?????????it is going to be tebow's denver winning the super bowl because he has God on his side..and of course since the book of mormon comes from the mayans, we do know how and when all this ends{just ask me}it can't be yet because my first grand daughter is going to run into the ocean at mrtyle beach in an old wedding dress for her nuptiles on may 6th of 2012 and i will have to be there, even when i am terrifyed of flying over there

rhymeswithplague said...

Hi, Loren! I haven't been over here to your blog in a while, but today was a great day to return! I laughed out loud when I read that Armageddon is not expected to be as catastrophic as Tropical Storm Irene. I am also surprised and not a little shocked to learn that you eat chocolate mousse cake while sitting on the, well, you know (isn't that what you meant?)

Also, it's good to discover where Putz is hanging out. He doesn't come over to my place much any more and has stopped blogging altogether.

But now my head is full of new thoughts such as the Mayans wrote the Book of Mormon and some people run into the ocean on their wedding day. I wonder what that's all about?

Loren Christie said...

Hi Mr. Brague. Let me clarify for the Internet universe, I do not each chocolate mousse while in the bathroom. That's disgusting and kind of funny.
I'm very happy to hear from you. Thanks for commenting! Merry Christmas. :)

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

GREAT POST!!!

Loren Christie said...

Hi Elizabeth! Thanks.

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.

Fondly,

Loren Christie

Be Our Guest!

Be Our Guest!
Come tour the John Scudder Havens Historic Homestead at 15 Main Street, Center Moriches, NY. Click on the picture for more infomation.

Search This Blog