Elizabeth Oakes Smith, This Bud's for You

As a 21st century woman living in New York State, there are some situations that I am too spoiled to imagine. While being banned from a voting booth seems offensive, there are other old laws that shock and anger me. People have a lot of varied ideas about the feminist movement. In its infancy it was just as much about human rights as it was about equality of the sexes. I am so grateful to be reaping the benefits of the work of early feminists.

In 1851, while Elizabeth Oakes Smith penned a series of essays titled Woman and Her Needs for the New York Tribune defending the feminist movement, baby steps were being made in securing equal human rights for women. Smith's essays were widely read, and led her to opportunities to lecture on the subject. At that time, Smith's experience as an American woman was vastly different from the modern person. At the core of these essays were her beliefs that:

"It is the making of woman a creature of luxury--an object of sensuality--a vehicle for reproduction--or a thing of toil, each one, or all of these--that has caused half the miseries of the world. She, as a soul, has never been recognized. As a human being to sin and suffer she has had more than an acknowledgement. As a human being to obey her God, to think, to enjoy, men have been blind to her utmost needs. She has been treated always as subservient, and yet all the most entire responsibility has been exacted of her. She has no voice in the law and yet has been subjected to the heaviest penalties of the law. ...Men have written for us, thought for us; and they have constructed from their own consciousness and effigy of a woman to which we are expected to conform."(2)

In the 1850's women in NY state were not granted joint guardianship of their own children; they did not have the authority to will property, or control their own wages. Women could not vote; they had no say in lawmaking, but they could be arrested for breaking laws, and were subjected to capital punishment. Although the first female seminary (college) was opened at Troy by Emma Willard in 1821, girls were typically not encouraged by their families to seek higher education. Society was very much at odds with the feminists, and they were criticized heavily by the media. (1)

Those who chose to speak out for equal rights felt the pressure, but they did not step down from the platform. In an 1852 letter Lucretia Mott wrote,

"It is gratifying as well as encouraging that the author of Woman and Her Needs feels constrained to lift up her voice also on behalf of her sex." (3)

Women and Her Needs was a series of concise persuasive essays calling for a societal change of viewpoint on the intellectual and creative abilities of women. In her writing, Smith suggested that women should be able to pursue their talents and intellectual needs in addition to fulfilling their roles as wives and mothers. She encouraged the pursuit of careers and higher education for women, saying that families raise boys to become self-sufficient and girls to be dependent. Marriage, in this case, becomes a game in which its sanctity is lost. She argued for laws regulating the age of women who marry, explaining that a girl is not mature enough emotionally or intellectually to enter into a life-long contract with a man twice her age. (Smith was married at sixteen in 1822 to a 30 year old man. She had hopes of going to college to become a teacher.)

Smith was pro-divorce in cases where a marriage is arranged for a girl who is not yet of a consenting age, but against divorcing for frivolous reasons. She was anti-capital punishment, believing that women who have no say in law-making should not be executed. She argued that a society that makes women dependent on men keeps them impoverished sometimes financially, and always intellectually. It binds them to the home like children, and leaves them destitute as widows.

In her book Two American Pioneers, Mary Alice Wyman writes that Smith's husband, Seba, had no interest in the women's right's movement and did not approve of his wife's lecture tour on Woman and Her Needs, apparently having written in a letter to his sister in May 1952, "How long this filibustering is to last, Heaven only knows."(4)

Her high intellect and beauty made Smith a sought-after speaker. She lectured for six years after the 1951 publication of Woman and Her Needs. Being different from other early feminists, who seemed plain and stern, made her an odd fit in the group.

When Smith was nominated for the presidency of the Woman's Right's Convention, Susan B. Anthony "balked that Smith, appearing fashionably in a white, somewhat seductive, low-necked sleeveless gown could not represent 'the earnest, solid, hard-working women of this country.' " (5)

It seems that Smith didn't care much about the comments among early feminists about her dress, writing that "a large number of the reformers so called seem to have a spite against everything like refinement and culture."(5)

It was this understanding of fashion and contemporary culture that added to the normalcy of EOS, and made her such a standout. According to Beth Oakes, a great-grand-daughter of Smith who grew up hearing family stories of EOS, women "loved her" and her writing. In his book Mid-century America: life in the 1850's, Carl Bode writes "though a feminist, she was also feminine."

I think this stylish quality is one of the most intriguing things about Smith's character. It makes her bolder, in a sense, for not blending into the stodgy crowd of feminists. Despite the popularity she enjoyed for many years, it seems that Smith fell into obscurity in her old age. The feminist movement shifted, and for some reason she was not remembered like Mott, Stanton, and other leaders. In a Jan 15, 1887 entry in her diary, Smith wrote,

"I suppose I am an old fool to expect to be remembered..."(6)

I am still trying to figure out why she is not a household name. Where would modern American women be without the voices of the early feminists, including Elizabeth Oakes Smith? I don't like to imagine it. A tall glass of "thank you" is in order.


Footnotes:
1. statistics from The Brooklyn Eagle, August 25, 1915
2. Woman and Her Needs, No. II. by Elizabeth Oakes Smith for the Tribune, (Novemember 30, 1850)
3. Letter from Lucretia Mott, Box 1 F.3 MSS. & Archives Section N.Y.P.L.
4. Wyman, Mary Alice. Two American Pioneers. p. 193
5. Letter to John H. Hesbreck Esqur. Oct. 15 1853. Box 1. F.6b. -
MSS. & Archives Section N.Y.P. L.

6. Cool old leather-bound Diary! Jan 1-Dec.3 1887. Box 1. F.7 MSS. & Archives Section N.Y.P.L.

Image of EOS is from T. Scherman's website.

Our Founding Mothers Are Rolling Over In Their Graves

What would Elizabeth Oakes-Smith think of today's modern feminist and what would she say about the progress women in America have made towards equal citizenship? I don't think she'd be satisfied. As the minister Ernest Helfenstein, (which was also Oakes-Smith's pen name for several years), says in Bertha and Lilly; Or The Parsonage of Beech Glen, realizing that the parish regards him as their property:

"As these thoughts rushed through my brain, I felt what a slave I was, and walked the floor, calmly, yet with a kind of resolution such as the shackled bondman feels who has resolved to be free." (130 Oakes-Smith)

This resolution underscored every step of Elizabeth's life, and every public word she ever spoke in regard to women's rights. It was the problem of economic inequality that vexed her the most, I think. Again, the minister in the story complains,

"I had said that the system of providing for the poor made poverty, and old age, and misfortune disgraceful. That no distinction could be shown between vice and misfortune in the present system. The woman born into affluence might be married- her property, by that act of marriage, passed out of her hands into those of her husband. He became a spendthrift, and inebriate, a gambler- she had no redress. He squandered her whole estate and died a beggar. His wife, this early minion of fortune, covered with shame, and disgraced in the eyes of the world, by no act of her own, heart-broken, and overcome by the infirmities of age, is brought to the alms-house, with the hundreds who are carried thither by their vices." (129 Oakes-Smith)

Economic equality was part of the early feminist platform, but by 1900, women were settling for getting the vote, and the cause was shifting. Elizabeth Oakes-Smith died in 1893. She lived to see women obtain the right to go to college, hold, control and will property, control their own wages, and become the joint guardian to their own children. Although she spoke up publicly to bring about these changes, she did not enjoy the benefits of this legislation in its infancy.


At the Woman's Right's Convention of 1852, she spoke along with Susan B. Anthony and Lucretia Mott, trying to balance the idea of the "angel in the house" with the practical. She stressed eloquently that the right to vote was essential in being considered a full citizen, since a woman's property and wages could be taxed. She went on to say the need for women to be educated and skilled was necessary to keep them out of poverty. The role of wife and mother she emphasized as being the most vital to the success of a nation.


I can remember my mother telling me at a young age how important my education was, and how essential it was for me to go on to college and establish the ability to step into a career. It was her firm belief that economic independence would protect me from poverty and the need to depend on a husband for support. Thank you mom. Mom wasn't giving this lecture because she thought men were scoundrels, on the contrary, my father is a devoted, loving, loyal spouse. She was saying this to me because there is dignity, freedom and a feeling of wholeness in developing one's talents and skills. She wanted economic equality for me, and personal fulfillment. That's also what Elizabeth Oakes-Smith wanted for women in a time when they did not have much choice in the matter. She wrote:

"Since every human being has an individual sphere, ...no one has the right to determine the proper sphere of another." (taken from an anthology of Women's Activists of New York)

How far have we come at equal citizenship? Not far enough. What happens to a woman today, college educated or not, when she has a baby out-of-wedlock? She is at the mercy of the father of that child, economically. Paternity laws for unwed fathers vary from state to state, and there is some public confusion in regard to this issue because of the inconsistency. In New York, if an unwed father does not develop a relationship with the child and help pay for the birth expenses, he has no adoption rights.* A court in this state can force a DNA test to establish paternity, and then the father is forced to support the child financially. Still, the mother bears the responsibility of nurturing, caring for and raising a baby whether the father wants to take part or not. She is often faced with the added emotional crisis during pregnancy to "catch him," which may or may not happen. Journalist for the NY Times Lisa Belkin discusses this reality on her blog Motherlode, in the post Why Unmarried Fathers Stay. The unwed father can walk away care-free from that birth. Then the full load of consequences falls on the woman. If he does the right thing and takes responsibility, the woman's life is still the one that is drastically stressed by the birth of a baby. So the miracle of new life becomes an event that spurs depression and panic for a woman in this situation, and if she is not supported by family, the situation can become economically desperate for her and the child. The unborn child is even poorer in this case than its mother, in that as a fetus, he is at her mercy as to whether or not he will be born. We certainly still have a long way to go in regard to giving all of our citizens equality in this country!

What happens to a mother who goes through a divorce today? She also suffers economic crisis. She is at the mercy of the courts and her ex-husband in regard to child support. Why is this?

What makes women economically disadvantaged? Motherhood. Motherhood, which I believe is a blessing from God, the subject of a national holiday, also causes women to be poorer than men in this country.

If this society wants a nation full of spiritually, academically and physically sound children to take over in future generations, then people in the media and in the street have to stop devaluing motherhood and the job of parenting.

Am I saying that women who stay at home to raise their children should be given a salary by the government, and that working moms should be given a stipend for childcare as well? Well, I don't expect it, but if President Obama is giving out cash for clunkers to preserve the environment, why not consider giving mothers the respect they deserve? Won't that shift in attitude result in happier children who are higher achievers? Then perhaps we could preserve our summer vacation for family time, Mr. Obama. Seriously, what I am proposing is that in the very least, men should be forced to pay child support and actively care for the children they father, married or not. If mothers stay at home, they most certainly are working. If they are in the work place as well then they have twice the work. In her book The Price of Motherhood; Why the most important job in the world is still the least valued, Ann Crittenden argues that people say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world, but they don't really mean it. They have been taught by media messages that the job of parenting does not require skill, and it is not "real work." In reality the raising of children is the work that will be our greatest legacy as individuals, and as a nation. Instead we have been advised that "it takes a village to raise a child." Young children just want their parents, equally, but the expectation for sacrifice is more on the mother.

"It isn't fair that mothers' life -sustaining work forces women to be society's involuntary philanthropists. It isn't fair to expect mothers to make sacrifices that no one else is asked to make, or have virtues that no one else possesses, such as a dignified subordination of their personal agenda and a reliance on altruism for life's meaning. Virtues and sacrifices, when expected of one group of people and not of everyone, becomes the mark of an underclass." (9)


Our founding mothers are rolling over in their graves. Women who choose to step out of the workforce to raise children face remarks like:


"What do you do all day? Don't you get bored?"

My answer: "YES, and my work is valuable. Go away."

"Establishing a fair deal for mothers would go beyond "wages for housewives," an idea that surfaced in the 1970's; or even mother's benefits similar to veteran's benefits. What is needed is across-the-board recognition- in the workplace, in the family, in the law, and in social policy - that someone has to do the necessary work of raising children and sustaining families, and that the reward for such vital work should not be professional marginalization, a loss of status, and an increased risk of poverty." (46)

Thank God I have a loving, dependable husband. I quit my career to raise my children full-time. That leaves me relying on him solely for health benefits, pension, and insurance. I'm college educated, work just as hard as any adult I know and I am completely economically dependent in this position. It's no wonder to me why the stay-at-home mom has such a stigma in society. For me there was emotionally no other choice. I completely followed my heart in this matter and prayed that it would work out, but I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't a scary risk. Some women, especially single moms, don't have this option, because the economic and emotional responsibility of raising a child falls more heavily on women.

Elizabeth Oakes-Smith suggested that a mother should work outside the home if she desires it, but she upheld the idea that a duty to children and the home takes precedence. She wanted an America where both sexes took part equally in raising children, and a government that rewards mothers and does not marginalize them. It seems to me that often the workplace is intolerant of women employees who put their children before their job.

"Inflexible workplaces guarantee that many women will have to cut back on, if not quit, their employment once they have children." (5)

Economic equality for women is part of a larger issue: human dignity. We've got the power to vote, so how about putting real feminists in office, who encourage mothers and fathers to be present caregivers, who promote the protection of unborn citizens, who reject violent means of dealing with criminals? Respect for life and human dignity is true freedom. This is the sort of shift that will make our nation better. The modern-day Republican and Democratic parties slice up the human dignity cause, backing some aspects and rejecting others. Neither party reflects the original feminist platform. In the 1860's Elizabeth Oakes-Smith was a nominee for Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate on the Women's Suffrage ticket. She was an authentic feminist, anti-Capital Punishment, pro-family, pro-life, supporting economic equality for all citizens of the United States. The early feminists are rolling over in their graves; they want us to remember who they really were and reject the modern mutation of their cause. I really want to see a woman become President, however, I've yet to see a real feminist, (one like Elizabeth Oakes-Smith), on a recent Presidential or Vice-presidential ticket.

"The United States is a society at war with itself. The policies of American business, government and the law do not reflect Americans' stated values." (5)

*For more information of the rights of Unwed Fathers in NY State, click here.

Day by Day

"How we spend our day is, of course, how we spend our lives." -Annie Dillard

What did you do today? Sometimes my husband asks me this question when he gets home from work, well after dark. He doesn't ask it with contempt, as if, to imply that my day is leisurely, but rather, to make conversation. I, however, sometimes take offense to the question, since I feel like I've been playing hooky from work for five years. Every morning when the alarm goes off at 5 a.m. I can't believe I can slide down like a turtle under my warm shell of winter blankets.

"Well, I didn't sit down really, that's for sure." I sometimes say, my tone defensive.

"I wasn't implying that you did." He retorts, shortly. The conversation goes downhill from there. Really, I know I'm responsible for that sort of tension, since my feelings about life as a stay-at-home mom are conflicted. My brain wants to be at work, but my heart won't let that happen. Often, I feel guilty for the confusion because I'm sure that this opportunity to watch my children grow, and mold them more carefully, is a true blessing. I'd be lying, however, to say that is isn't actually hard work.

Maybe I don't get up at 5 a.m., but there isn't a moment after I do rise that I'm not tending to the needs of children. After I had my third child I had to "remember" to eat and even to use the restroom. (Only a mother understands this.) I'd sneak into the bathroom for just a minute before the search party was sent out, calling after me in discontented chorus.

"It's not like I'm an air traffic controller or something like that." I remark to my doctor at a routine check-up.

We're talking about stress, and how it affects one's body.

"I know a few people, myself included, who would rather be responsible for the safety of airliners than toddlers and preschoolers. Motherhood is under-rated," he quips, as he catches two wooden trains that baby Bigfoot spontaneously tosses at him. I appreciate his acknowledgement of the pressures of motherhood, but I still feel guilty for struggling with full-time parenting. I always imagined I'd be in my glory every second of it.

Then there are moments like the one I had this afternoon, when I am as contented as Mr. Norman Whiskers. I was reading Anna Karenina on my favorite chair, when my three year old daughter, the princess, climbed on my lap with a puffy down blanket. We cuddled for an hour like that, and she lay perfectly still until I could hear her soft little snore on my arm. I could stay like that forever. These little moments reinforce my conviction that being home with my kids is worth the sacrifice, and is, in some ways, a secret luxury.

Writing: Dead or Alive

I wake up late this morning to the sound of squirrels scampering across the roof. My neighbors in the cemetery are weed whacking. Talk about keeping up with the Joneses, we have to compete with dead ones. Frankenstein's landscaping abilities started a chain reaction of lawn upkeep on my piece of Suburbia Lane. The dead people have such a perfectly manicured property they made our adjoining house look scary. So we felt the need to hire professional lawn help, and next one of my living neighbors is out in her pajamas edging the sidewalk. I guess curb appeal trumps personal hygiene. Why do any of us care, anyhow, we're competing with the dead?

I pull the shade up in my bedroom and peer out, inconspicuously. I can't even see who is weed whacking. It must be a ghost. Apparently, gardening is what makes dead people come alive at hours I would like to re-murder them. This idea gets me wondering, as the five dollar shade snaps off its hinges and crashes on my head, what makes me come alive?

I'm not sure it is parenting. Is that shocking? Before I had kids I thought being a mother would complete me. Three children later it's not as fun as I thought it would be, and I'm not as good at it as I thought I'd be. Actually, many times it feels like a really hard job. There's a lot of guilt that comes with this admission.

Don't misunderstand me, please. I love my kids and I'd give my life for them. In fact, I think that's what I'm doing right now, minus the "dead" part. In a sense, I give so much to them, that I think it was beginning to hurt me. I had to admit to myself that being a mother is not what makes me come alive, and find out what does, so I could stop feeling like a zombie.

There's something freeing about going off by myself and writing. It's as if this part of me that's kept in solitary confinement gets time in the yard. I've always felt this way, for as long as I could write. For a while I was too busy, and I found myself jotting random things on scraps of paper, napkins, bills, and other places where the words fell into an unorganized abyss, never to be found again.

Then I started this blog, and eventually, my New Year's resolution to write everyday started actually happening. Now I have a place to put the scraps of ideas and moronic thoughts that bring me so much laughter, and I feel really good about that. I feel healthier.

What makes you come alive? Send me your comments...and try to be serious for a second.

---Good thing writing makes me come alive, because at 5 a.m., I think I look horror flick "undead."

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive"-Howard Thurman

Note: I saw two articles called "Finding Me in the Mothering Adventure" and "Don't Turn the Heat Off Your Passion" later today in a newsletter called Momsense that I get, and they seemed to really speak to me, in a profound way, about this post. You can read them too at:
http://www.christianitytoday.com/momsense/2008/005/12.18.html

Loren is named 2008 Wife of the Year by Online Test!

Alarmed over her recent poor test results, which shattered her status as the perfect housewife, Loren went to the Discovery Health Channel website this evening. Luckily, according to a marriage test posted there, there's no need to worry, Milk Man. Even though she may not be the perfect 1930's wife, according to an important man, Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, your marriage is strong, anyway. Let's just say she's the perfect 2008 Wife. Thank God for the Internet.

Readers, "How Strong is Your Marriage?"

You can Take the Test Here!

Note: The pictures (above and in the post below) are available as magnets, notepads, etc. from http://www.annetaintor.com/ They are hysterical, actual vintage ads reworded.

SCANDAL IN SUBURBIA

Loren discovers she's not the perfect wife. After taking the online test to rate as the perfect 1930's spouse, she scores a 53, which is "average." Miffed, she states, "As the product of a generation of Hippies, I demand to be graded on a Bell (Bottom) Curve!" Take the test!

Princesses Use Sledge Hammers, Sometimes

My son is waving his arms in frustration. "No no, no! Princesses don't put together big girl beds. They're not builders! Boys are builders. Go in your kitchen and make me and daddy some ABC Pastina." I'll have the blue plate and daddy will have the red one." I'm about to step into this conversation and set my son straight when I hear the princess' reply. It's a happy-go-lucky, "Okay." Followed by, "Do you want some milk or soda with your Pastina?" This is shocking. Should I tell her not to take that kind of bossing from her brother? Maybe it's my fault. I'm letting her watch Walt Disney films too often. She's dressed like Snow White and her plastic princess shoes click-clack on the floor as she prepares a plastic lunch for the "men." Clutching an overloaded basket of laundry, I pause in the doorway to watch. As I peer over the dirty sock near my nose I wonder, maybe she's just like me.

Downstairs there is construction going on in the kitchen. Ned the contractor is motioning for me; he's ready to take down the outside wall. I was promised a sledge hammer and the opportunity to help, just like they let homeowners do on HGTV. Ned gives me directions before I start, in the odd language that only his crew and Tigger the tiger seems to understand. "Now, take the thing, swing hard and aim for the bottom of the hoo, hoo hooooo!!" He stands back. Far back. I swing the hammer as hard as I can, and one by one the century old beams dislodge and crack. I'm having so much fun smashing the wall; I'm guessing this might be more therapeutic than Yoga. Ned and his crew have paused to watch me, grinning. They're obviously getting a kick out of this scene. Everyone is standing around me cheering when I hit the new Sheetrock. "Oops, I say, dropping the tool." I feel like Lucy Ricardo
minus the red lipstick, house dress and heels. Ned pats me on the back. "Fugetaboutit! The "Rocker" will patch it up tomorrow. (He's referring to the amateur boxer who resembles Rocky, but actually is the Sheetrocker who comes on weekends, Ipod on belt, dancing, on stilts.) Ned congratulates me. "You took down the wall all by yourself!" I had such a blast I feel compelled to ask..."Ned, can I help you once in a while?" He pauses, eyebrows raised, "You wanna work with these ladies?" The contractor gestures to his all male crew, who mutter politely inaudible responses to his ribbing. "Sure," he laughs, not serious.

I resume sorting the laundry, thinking about roles and the differences between the sexes. My daughter is tugging on my shirt. "Mommy, brother is saying I can't help daddy put my big-girl bed together and I have to make lunch for them. He says I'm a girl." I bend down to her level. "You are a girl, but I don't think your brother is being fair."
"Brother is ri-dick-lous Mama, so I play a trick on him." My daughter's wearing her plastic mechanical wings that I bought at a garage sale from another industrious little girl. At the moment, she resembles a garden fairy gone bad."What did you do to him?" I'm wondering why I haven't heard protests from him yet. "I-don-know," she shrugs, grinning. Minutes later brother storms in holding a play napkin like evidence. He points, accusingly. "She blew her nose on this picnic napkin and put it on my pillow!"Little sister digs her hands into her hips, ready for a fight. "You were being mean and I am ANGRY! I'm a magical mermaid who can make mysteries happen! I'm going to marry a prince when I am big and his name WILL BE CARLOS!" Sister storms out, metallic wings flapping. Big brother and I are silent, surprised by her confident speech and interesting future plans. After all, she's only three years old. I'm thinking I want to be just like her when I grow up!

Save the Homemakers!

Homemakers are an endangered species. The Obituary section of the newspaper lists dozens of them daily. "She was a loving mother and a homemaker." I find myself stopping to stare at this sentence as I peruse the Sunday morning paper. Lately, you don't often hear modern-day women announcing their status as homemakers. Many times, the media presents the stay-at-home mom in a negative light. Why is the idea of serving one's family to the point of putting one's individual goals second so unpopular?


Actually, I've discovered an interesting secret. Many women that I meet yearn to be homemakers, primarily. It seems as if the modern woman is expected to juggle it all, and that drains energy from her role as a mother. Did the homemakers of the past resent being cast in this role? I recall a conversation with my grandmother who left her career as a seamstress for Macy's to be a stay-at-home mother in the early 1950's. She laughed at the question. "Are you kidding?" This is a woman who ironed her husband's white tee shirts. That's not oppression; to me, it's real love.

My mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, these are my Super Hero Homemakers. Nothing is more important to me than my role as a wife and mother. We need to reinstate the importance of this role, and find ways to prioritize it while still retaining a fair sense of self. Devoted homemakers produce happy, stable families. So I hope it is written one day in the very distant future about me: She was, primarily, a homemaker, and that made all the difference.

-(Above) My beautiful grandma, Vincenza LaCapria, 1940's