Dis is President Vladimir Putin,
Vat kind of present is dis beast you send? She et all my goose n' apples off mine plate before Senior Advisor tied bib on my neck. She not get along vit da tiger. Tiger gave her love hug to show who is boss of cage, and Hell Hound run for her life. She chew gate right off its hinges, and run wit it out of da mansion into streets of Moscow. Dare she turn over meat carts in da open market and stick tongue out at policeman named Vlachko. Then she swiped his machine gun. Dis beast chew da gun, and it go off! Several booms cause mass confusion. Beast shoot holes in flag of Russia, and billboard picture of Maria Sharapova. Dog was taken in because of cuteness by Russian Mafia college students, who hide her on university campus. Dare she speak publicly about her muder, Alpha Dog the American Human, to groups of Russian female students. She cause uprising of women who do not vant to end up as secretaries after they get Ph. D. Take dis smelly hound back, NOW! KGB pack her in box wit bubble tape and she get mailed today. No more gifts from America!