starring: Norman Whiskers AND Hell Hound
(Dedicated to the Meowers of Missouri and their damnbrowndawg. William Shakespeare, forgive me, I’m a big fan of you.)
Then I spied them. Three curious creatures, with fins and large unblinking eyes. I leaped onto the kitchen counter. (Don’t mention that to my Lady.) There I posed like a statue waiting and watching the weird three Treats sliding behind glass like crazy cookies with eyeballs and lips.
“Speak ugly, but, I bet yummy, Snacks, if you can! I am not afraid of you,” I called to them.
They answered me in a gurgle. Then suddenly, the disk-like one spoke!
Fish 1: All hail, Norman, hail to thee, Boss of the downstairs bath.
“Yes, well, that’s all very fine and good. I already know that. Big Deal.” I said.
Next a tiny one, streaked in neon red zoomed up to the glass.
Fish 2: “All hail, Norman, hail to thee, Favorite Creature of the Christie House!”
“Hmm, Alright, this may also be true, my weird cat toys, but it is nothing new! What else?”
Then a great big orange one with whiskers like me poppeth out of a cave. I jumped back in terror.
Fish 3: "All hail, Norman, thou shalt be the ONLY PET at Christie House hereafter!”
Now we're getting somewhere, Yummy Friends!
“Stay! Darting, finned snacks! Speak some more! I know I am Boss of the downstairs bath, and my Lady’s favorite creature, but the only creature hereafter? What will become of Hell Hound? Is she to meet a sad fate? Are you members of Homeland Security? Who conveyed to you this strange intelligence?”
That t’was the moment I was removed from the counter by my Lady’s arm, and deposited on a chair. With a thrill of excitement my cat brain raced, wondering when the prediction of the slimy soothsayers would occur.
Norman Whiskers: Strange things are circling in my cat head, like so many feathers waiting to be swatted. Rocks will be rocks and cats will be cats. I fear a bad spell is upon me.
Lo! Here I go on the hunt for blood and perhaps, a piece of discarded tuna fish sandwich. (Starkist in water, not oil please).
The sauce to meat in my canned cat dinner is just ceremony...I plan to do a deed tonight in my first step towards asserting my power as The Only Pet Hereafter! This should be child's play-The Fish-es are correct in predicting my upcoming GRANDEUR! My only foe is that Hell Hound (whom Mr. Putz loves).
But Alas, what is this I see?
Three mice-es who challenge my authority!
Take any shape, such as the armed rhinoceros, or rabid squirrel. I will not tremble in fear! I am a man cat. Thou shalt mess not with me!
Watch me knocketh thee down from thy silly wooden house! Now I shall tie you up with string and watch thee whimper in jolly human clothes. Take that, sorry foes!
Behold, thou art stunned and stiff as corpses. I have slain thee with the strength of my piercing glare.
Princess: (gasp) NORMAN WHISKERS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY MOUSE HOUSE AND MY MOUSE FAMILY?
Norman Whiskers: Pray, sit you still, mice. Here is my little governess, the princess, come to late to save you.
Princess: MAMA! Norman is KILLing my MOUSE FAMILY and TRASHing my TOY HOUSE!"
Loren: (from kitchen) "NORMAN!"
Norman Whiskers: Unfortunate folly, my Lady calls me away! I will take refuge under the bathroom sink until such a time presents itself that I will to the weird fish-es a-gain go. For now I am bent on knowing what shall become of me. I will shred my scratch post in contemplation.
Part III. Macbeth- Finale
Norman: Out, out damn spot. Melikes my paws sparkling clean. Alas! What has become of me, I wonder? By frightening my little governess, the Princess, I fear that I am quite savage. To the fish-es I will go, for only these three slippery ones make sense of why I am a plastic mouse MURTHERER!
(Approaching the fish tank)
I conjure you, weird fish-es. Speaketh! Show me thy power and shareth the love with mE!
Fish#1: Norman! Norman! Beware the one who speaketh ruff, ruff, and such. He that hath eaten a flip phone will challenge you!
Fish #2: Give him the egg of a Cad-burd-ee. See him swoon! Show him the coco bean to meet his DOOM!
Norman: YES fish-es. I understand!
Fish #3: Your courage shall be screwed to the sticking place, (literally). Norman! Hereafter, thou shalt be King of the sea in Christie house!
Norman: Hooray! Fish-es. Hold! Take my sword, or claws will do.
Look there, Methinks I see the sheep biter feasting on the bone of some unfortunate vagabond.
Hey you man, Hell Hound!
Hell Hound: yummy,o, yum,yumm,yum,yum...
Norman: Foolish mutt! I challenge thee to a duel!
Hell Hound: yum,yum,yum,yum,yum...
Norman: OH HORROR! HORROR, I say!
Hell Hound: HUH? What's wrong now whiny cat who persistently tries to murther me?
Norman: Why, Hell Hound, old chum. Dear, wonderful soft and furry pup! My (HACK!) wonderful sister pet, I have a gift for thee. Tis a token of my deep affection. A peace offering for Easter. I've given up trying to harm-eth thee for Lent. Come, Feast your eyes on this!
(Norman pushes a six pack of Cadbury chocolate eggs with caramel filling in front of the dog.)
Hell Hound: Here's a treasure, indeed! Thanks cat! (mmm,yum,yum,yum...)
Hell Hound collapses in a chocolate swoon.
Norman: (aside) Methinks he is dead. O, yet, I do not feel all that bad. NOW I AM THE ONLY...
Hell Hound: (stirring) HACK! AAAAAAAAAAAK!
Norman: (Hit by a goo ball) Woe! Alas! I fear a plague has struck me dead! I am full of regurgitated Cad-burd-ee! MEOW!!!!
Loren: Norman? Oh wow, the dog got sick. I'm sorry, now you need a bath!
Norman: (clawing the walls of the bath tub) What is amiss? A BATH?! This can not be! The good fish-es said my Lady that I would be KING of the ....sea in the Christie house!
In the words of the great Homer Simpson: D'oh! Blast those fibbing fish-es!
(Flourish. Exeunt omnes.)