Sunday, December 21, 2008

Hell Hound's Weekend Update: Feasting is Naughty?

MMMM. Christmas MUST mean: Yummy Festival of Eating.

Hello orderless, non-edible device that mesmerizes humans. It's that time of year that I love again, when Alpha dog is running around like a chicken whose head I bit off and she finds a bit of kindness in her cold heart for me. A feigned snoot attack got me into a room full of food smells, and many legs and shoes. When the Christie pack human friend called Mike went outside to grab a beer, I saw my opportunity to gain some sympathy. I made sure my head was lodged in the sliding glass door as he closed it, and I yelled for my life.

That's when another human that the Christie's mingle with, called Sandy, advocated for permission to let me roam about the house during festivities. I knew I could rely on this Sandy human because Alpha dog listens to her, and email records show that she is a defender in PETA'S army. I will have to look in Alpha Dog's telephone book for her number.
Anyway, I swore to Sandy that I would be a good dog and not steal food scraps from the squealing human pups. (There were suddenly lots of them.) I'm thinking Alpha dog might have had a litter while I was out romping in the snow earlier. I tried to be good for Sandy, St. Francis of Assisi and my Christie pack, but the SMELLS, oH, how they DROVE me INSANE!
For example, there was this masterpiece chocolate house, made by a human named Elizabeth. She is the mother of my knight in shining armor, Midnight Bear Dog. Well, let me tell you, that woman can bake! I was stuck in a trance every time I passed that house on the table, unattended, but I controlled my demons, and forced myself to eat a mouthful of grass outside instead. Alpha dog said she could not give me even one bite of Elizabeth's Chocolate House because that would be assisted suicide, which is against our religion. "Come, on, I don't know what that means, but just give me a piece, it's Christmas!" I barked. Then she pushed me out into the snow.

When I came in the human pups had sweet smelling treats of all kinds in their paws. The green Merry Christmas treat was divided and distributed equally to all humans present. That's when I blacked out. I can't remember anything, but I woke up in the cage. I overheard human pups yelping about snatched yummies, but I maintained that it wasn't me.



Happy Holidays cyborgs! I hope your table is filled with yummy kills you can reach.

-Hell Hound

5 comments:

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

Who knew the little chocolate house would become famous overnight? I'm so flattered! That was some awesome cake you made yourself!

Bear Midnight Miller said...

So you got stuck in the glass door. My little people do that to my tail everyday. So you got stuck outside for a while. I was stuck home all alone while my people were out late. And when they got home, they smelled like another dog. At least my people let me stay inside for parties. Maybe if you behaved they'd let you stay in too.

Loren Christie said...

Um, Sandy made the cake, ...but I'm the one who cleaned the toilet and, for the record, I DID recycle cans, MIKE! :)

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

See what happens when you let minors use the computer? Bear is just jeolous. I apologize for her remarks. You were a very good dog, Hell Hound. Oops - good job, Sandy! Who's the one who threw a can into the garbage can? Don't worry - I saw it and put it back onto the counter.

Putz said...

assisted suicide...you are a funny writer...what i have done to my blog because i am lazy is fill in all my label spots and beg a lurcker to come out of the shawdows and clooset from akcron ohio and id herself before i jus die of suspence

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.

Fondly,

Loren Christie

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