Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Very Funny, God.

In an effort to fight Global Warming, big brother takes a stand against the person in his household whom he believes to be the worst environmental offender, Mommy. I’m attempting to vacuum up the remnants of last night’s festivities in the den, when the lobbying begins. He’s spread out across the floor, blocking my machine. I turn it off.

“What are you doing? Mommy is trying to clean up. You have to get up so I can finish vacuuming.” I say.

Big Brother does not budge. His little facial muscles are locked in an expression of righteous determination.

“Mommy: You are making GLOBAL WARM’IN with your vacuum and your washing machine. It is time that you stopped ruining the Earth. If we have no Earth, then there will be no more happy family, …or sports. Now, put away the vacuum and go find a broom. Brooms do not use up energy.”

I just stand there, wondering when my first born became such a tree hugger, and feeling a pang of guilt, because in the most pure of ways, he’s right.

“Mommy is trying to clean. If vacuums were bad, then they would not be sold to mommies. As far as the washing machine is concerned, unless you want to walk around naked or stinky, I need to wash your clothes. Now, move out of my way, please.” I say, not in the mood to be corrected, because I’m right in the middle of my holiday cleaning frenzy.

Big Brother does get up, sighing, and continues his crusade on foot, following me around the house.

“I have an idea, Mommy. Get a bucket and suds, and wash all of our family clothes in the there. That will save energy!” Big Brother thinks he’s a genius.

“No.” I say. “If YOU want to wash all of our clothes in a bucket, and see how much work that is, go right ahead, little boy.”

“I can’t do that, Mommy. Washing clothes is your job. School and playing is my job. That’s why God made me a boy and you a mommy. Sorry.” He’s patting me on the back while the vacuum drowns out my grumbling.

I work as a Director of Youth Ministry in my community, and the next day I go to a local television station to participate in a taping of a Catholic talk show called “A Reason For Hope.” Four teenagers from our parish youth group and a deacon come with me. We know that the first show will be about teens doing good works in the community. The taping goes well. As we’re leaving, the next segment is about to be taped and one of the scheduled guests is sick. The producer asks me to substitute for the guest. I say yes, and go back into the studio. They duct tape the body microphone to my dress and the couch, so I can’t really move. Next thing I know, the tape is rolling and the show is about “Saving the Environment.” The host, a well-loved pastor, poses a question to me.

“Loren, as a mom of three, what do you do to conserve energy and care for the environment?”

“I bet God is having a good laugh right now.” I think. Luckily, a recent Internet test informed me that I have linguistic strength.

(The shows will be aired on Telecare in February. I’ll link them to the blog then.)

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all my blogger friends!


Milk Man said...

Wonderful story, the irony of parenthood, I scold the child for not doing what we say and get a card from their teacher in the mail telling us what a great kid we have.

Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

Milk Man, I had a hard time keeping a straight face when my 11-year-old's teacher told me she never comes in to class with a "look" or "attitude". And Lauren, I have heard that washing machines and dishwashers use less water than washing by hand would. I can't wait to see your show! Please tape it!

Anonymous said...

Now that we know who the culprit of all this global warmin' is, we can take steps to correct it and get the environment back on track. Big Brother - saving the planet one mommie at a time!


Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

Best of luck with the Christmas play! I am sure it will beautiful.

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.


Loren Christie

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