Hell Hound's Weekend Update: She Tried to Kill Me, PETA

Hello, odorless, non-edible television device that mesmerizes humans. It finally happened, just like I predicted. Alpha Dog, my human mother, tried to kill me on New Year's Eve. Here's the story. (Write this down, PETA.)

I was sitting in my usual spot near the window waiting to startle Jim the mail carrier as he stepped on an icy spot on the stoop, when I noticed my mother pouring some sort of yummy liquid into a hole in the snow. It was the same pot that she used earlier to cook the birds called Pizzas. The first chance I got I ran out the door into my world and dug up this edible treasure. It smelled like peanuts and the Pizza birds. I licked and licked the snowy mush with abandonment. From the corner of my eye I saw Alpha Dog peering at me from the window, waving and jumping in excitement. I would soon guess why.

When I entered the house again I started to feel strange. Alpha Dog reprimanded me. "Did you drink that peanut oil, dumb ass?"

I stumbled away from her not caring that she mistook me for another dog, (I know my name is Hell Hound). I was feeling as if I'd been taken deep under the depths of the ocean in a yellow submarine. I had a giant attack of the snoot, and my tail started spinning because of air bursts expelled from my rear. The blasts from under my tail had a helicopter effect on my round body, and I was suddenly elevated by an invisible force smelling like peanuts. The Christie pack started to yell and scream, holding their noses, but Alpha Dog just stood among the chaos with the strangest look of smite on her face.

When my body hit the floor I knew I would succumb to motion sickness, losing my entire dinner. Trying to be discrete, I funneled the splatter into a crack between the moulding and the wall.

The look of smite on my human mother's face soon turned to horror, and she catapulted me out of the dining room with the flat end of her broom, all the while twitching and cursing randomly. While she was busy prying up the moulding with a hammer, I asked Jeeves about her behavior online. He explained that she may be showing symptoms of a condition called Tourette Syndrome. I say, it serves her right for trying to kill me like that.