- Shake off that corny sense of humor that Milk Man is encouraging with his 2009 Dumb Jokes For the Year 2009 Crusade.
- Burn Trivial Pursuit and buy a new board game so next New Year's Eve your friends will invite you over again. Remember memorizing the cards and Milk Man's construction paper champion belt? How can we forget the first fight of the new year over trivial trivia like Leo or Leon Trotsky? Nuff said.
- Walk two - four miles in front of the television three days a week during the winter with your new Ipod drowning out walk instructor Leslie Sansone's shrill laugh. No excuses now.
- Pray more and worry less. (That's a serious one.)
- Try to immortalize your big mouth in the form of a published something-or-other.
- Poison Hell Hound with the used peanut oil from the New Year's Eve pizzas. (It didn't work.)
- Start a book club! (classics only to simulate board-bashing-head- penance) That's a lie, kids, I actually love the classics.
- Write every day, until everyone you know is afraid to come near, because things they do and an
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d say will end up on your blog. - 9. Eat more salad, for the health benefits, rather than just because it's the only meal you cannot burn.
- 10. Stop cleaning and play with the kids more often. Accept the fact that although you live with a group of filthy dwarfs, you are not Snow White.
- 11. If you have trouble keeping the above promises, resolve yourself to become like the garbage pail cover-eating squirrel that stares at you from the den window every morning. That means just accept being the same old Loren for another year. Bet the squirrel isn't writing a resolution list. ...Or is he??
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---Here comes one of the dwarfs now, better hide the resolutions.
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4 comments:
i would love to read your published something or not
All good ones! Now that you made this public you will have to accept it if your friends keep you accountable! And I guess you knew that or you wouldn't have done it... I gave up on publishing per se as a goal and instead am focusing on sending work to publishers on a regular basis - once it's in their hands it is not a failure on my part and remember all the classics that were rejected for years and years before finally being accepted!
I have to stick up for Hell Hound here. I wouldn't joke about such things.
My bad, Bear...but I didn't tell her to lick up the peanut oil. I'm not the evil owner she claims I am. Hell Hound is naughty. She had 8 brothers and sisters and I know for a fact that at least three of them were returned to the pound soon after they were adopted. The first time I took her out in the yard she circled me like a wolf and shredded my camel-hair coat. So that makes me her Angel of Mercy. Oh, how I have cried over the damage she's caused. She's one lucky dog.
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