Excuse Me, I'm Trying to Be Mad

After lunch Baby Bigfoot decides to make his own Halloween costume. I find him in the bathroom wrapped in three quarters of a roll of toilet paper. I hold him up to my eye level and say "No, no," sternly. He laughs, and grabs my nose with his fist, then smacks his lips on my cheek in a spontaneous kiss. I have to turn him around so he doesn't see me smiling. I can never stay angry when he does that. He's such a sweet little boy.

Later in the day, I can't find him. I'm running around the den, sliding on books, tripping over matchbox cars, and losing my mind. As I fall on a heap of toys, I think I hear pots clinking in the lower kitchen cabinet. I run into the room and open the cupboard door. There's Baby Bigfoot, sitting inside with a pot cover balanced on his head like a hat. He smiles and shouts, "peek boo!" I pull him out of the cabinet and collapse with him on the floor, exasperated. Leaning toward his face and making eye contact, I say, "No no," angrily. He is delighted to see me, despite my mood. Grabbing me by the ears, he pulls my face close to his with bam bam force, smacking a big, slimy baby kiss right on my lips. I'm stuck in his pudgy grip for so long as he is making the noise, "MMMMMMMMMA!" that I almost start laughing through clenched teeth.

That's what I call his Hollywood kiss, because it's like a baby version of an old-fashioned movie scene. It's sincere affection and it makes me melt, because I'm unusually emotional, (for a Capricorn). When he lets go of my ears we're just staring at each other. He giggles, then attempts to saunter off into more corners of the house to create trouble. I grab him and put him in the pack n' play for safe keeping. I'm trying to figure out if he is actually aware of what he is doing when he pulls that trick. How could he know? I worry that his behavior is a little Oedipal, but that's silly; he's only one year old. If he does it when he's ten, now that will be weird. I decide there is no way my baby could understand that giving kisses gets him out of trouble. He just really loves mommy.

Milk Man comes home after dark tonight; he went to the dentist straight from work. I meet him in the driveway, because I'm putting the garbage out. He hands me a little, shiny silver box, and what looks like a note. "Here, this is for you, sweetheart," he says as he pulls his work stuff out of the car. Wow, I think. What a guy! He feels bad that he was gone all day and bought me a present. I get in the house and go to open the box. Looking closer in the light, I realize it's a sample of Colgate toothpaste, and the note is actually a diagram of teeth. "Oh," I say, my excitement dropping to disappointment so quickly that I touch my nose to see if it's bleeding. "I thought this was a gift." I mutter.

"A gift?" He laughs, obviously forgetting that my emotions can change in a millisecond. "The dentist gave it to me for you..." his voice trails off as he catches the look on my face, and realizes the misunderstanding. "Oh, no, come on," he laughs again. I'm not sure why my eyes are welling up, but I am certain that I'm mad. "You're so freakin' IN...," but I get jerked toward him before I can say "SENSITIVE," and next thing I know my mouth is being smashed by a kiss. When I can finally breathe again I yell, "Damn it, I'm wanna be MAD."