Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Weekday Update With Hell Hound: Snoot Attacks Steal My Thunder

(Above: "How does this web cam work, anyway?")
Hello again, odorless, non-edible television device that mesmerizes humans. The Christies are still sleeping, so I have a quiet moment to type. I have been so distraught since my pack betrayed me a few weeks ago, giving me to a slave trade operation called Federal Express that smuggled me to a far off land. Although China smelled really good, and I almost secured myself a job as a shredder in a toy factory, I didn't have my police badge, wallet, cell phone, and the other things I secretly collected for my planned escape. Plus, I'm still waiting for a passport that I had made by a dog I met online from South America who knows my friend PETA. Dateline NBC gave me the idea to look him up, and they were right, it's really easy for a dog to get fake ID there. What a great show! (I also like those spooky episodes when humans travel far to mate, and end up getting taken away to the pound. It makes me feel thankful to be a dog!) Thanks Dateline, you do GOOD investigative work deserving of a special yummy-yum, like a journalism award, or better yet, a jerky treat :>

I digress, so let's get back to my slave trade trauma. The worst part of my trip was when I was sightseeing at the Great Wall of China. I had one of my snoot attacks. I usually get them in the middle of the night. Alpha Dog gets so angry at me when my snoot alarm goes off in the wee hours of the morning. Half asleep, she throws shoes at me from her bed, mistaking me for someone named Jackass, while whisper-yelling at me to drink some water. PETA says that's DEFINITELY abuse.

When I get these attacks I have trouble breathing. One time it happened before Alpha Dog had the other pups. She and the one she calls Milk Man took me for a walk down to Main Street. I felt a snoot attack come on right in front of a local brewery. Alpha Dog was trying to resuscitate me, (because she still loved me back then), while Milk Man went into the bar for some puppy milk. Meanwhile, I happened to run into a cold can on the ground of a healthy drink made out of fish called "Bass Ale." It revived me somewhat, and I felt like I was floating on my leash like Mary Poppins. I swear I even saw pink elephants on parade, from the movie about the elephant whose mom flips out and leaves him. I can really relate to that big-eared freak. I bet the pink elephants were looking for PETA, just like me. Oh no, got to go, here comes Alpha Dog.

-Hell Hound

P.S. For those of you who are wondering, a "snoot" is the informal version of the noun, "snout." Alpha Dog taught me that when she was working as teacher. Back then, she taught humans how to stop barking and speak English. Obviously, she wasn't that good, because I still bark. I suspect she got fired for trying to use the muzzle torture device on human children, or maybe she put them in a cage while she ate lunch. PETA probably found out about those atrocities and put a stop to her there, like he will for me soon when I formally gather all my evidence.


Elizabeth Kathryn Gerold-Miller said...

Do you read Dean Koontz? I get his newsletter "Useless News" in which he features pieces written by his golden retriever. I think he is publishing a book by his dog - either that or it was meant as a joke for his newsletter. Hell Hound will probably enjoy reading it.

Loren Christie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hell Hound said...

Thank you human named Elizabeth. I will ask Santa Dog for the newsletter at Christmas time. I'm thinking about my list right now as I drool over a box of Cheez-Its that Alpha Dog is hogging.

Anonymous said...

Cute picture.

I found your blog through google blogger profiles. It seems we have the same favorite book, haha.

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.


Loren Christie

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