Weekday Update With Hell Hound: Snoot Attacks Steal My Thunder

(Above: "How does this web cam work, anyway?")

Hello again, odorless, non-edible television device that mesmerizes humans. The Christies are still sleeping, so I have a quiet moment to type. I have been so distraught since my pack betrayed me a few weeks ago, giving me to a slave trade operation called Federal Express that smuggled me to a far off land. Although China smelled really good, and I almost secured myself a job as a shredder in a toy factory, I didn't have my police badge, wallet, cell phone, and the other things I secretly collected for my planned escape. Plus, I'm still waiting for a passport that I had made by a dog I met online from South America who knows my friend PETA. Dateline NBC gave me the idea to look him up, and they were right, it's really easy for a dog to get fake ID there. What a great show! (I also like those spooky episodes when humans travel far to mate, and end up getting taken away to the pound. It makes me feel thankful to be a dog!) Thanks Dateline, you do GOOD investigative work deserving of a special yummy-yum, like a journalism award, or better yet, a jerky treat :>

I digress, so let's get back to my slave trade trauma. The worst part of my trip was when I was sightseeing at the Great Wall of China. I had one of my snoot attacks. I usually get them in the middle of the night. Alpha Dog gets so angry at me when my snoot alarm goes off in the wee hours of the morning. Half asleep, she throws shoes at me from her bed, mistaking me for someone named Jackass, while whisper-yelling at me to drink some water. PETA says that's DEFINITELY abuse.

When I get these attacks I have trouble breathing. One time it happened before Alpha Dog had the other pups. She and the one she calls Milk Man took me for a walk down to Main Street. I felt a snoot attack come on right in front of a local brewery. Alpha Dog was trying to resuscitate me, (because she still loved me back then), while Milk Man went into the bar for some puppy milk. Meanwhile, I happened to run into a cold can on the ground of a healthy drink made out of fish called "Bass Ale." It revived me somewhat, and I felt like I was floating on my leash like Mary Poppins. I swear I even saw pink elephants on parade, from the movie about the elephant whose mom flips out and leaves him. I can really relate to that big-eared freak. I bet the pink elephants were looking for PETA, just like me. Oh no, got to go, here comes Alpha Dog.

-Hell Hound

P.S. For those of you who are wondering, a "snoot" is the informal version of the noun, "snout." Alpha Dog taught me that when she was working as teacher. Back then, she taught humans how to stop barking and speak English. Obviously, she wasn't that good, because I still bark. I suspect she got fired for trying to use the muzzle torture device on human children, or maybe she put them in a cage while she ate lunch. PETA probably found out about those atrocities and put a stop to her there, like he will for me soon when I formally gather all my evidence.