I'm Sorry For My Bad Deeds

This is me receiving a message from St. Francis of Assisi in my backyard.

Hello, odorless, non-edible television device. It's Hell Hound again. I'm still a bit stunned and confused by what happened to me a few moments ago. I was romping around my outside world, when I came across this peculiar, tiny brown paper cylinder near the fence line where the loud, pimple-faced humans hang out at night. It tasted a little gritty and had smoke rising from the tip, but made a sufficient sunrise snack. Then suddenly, I was struck down by a great light. Alpha dog's garden statue started SPEAKING to me! My fellow dogs, this is crazy stuff. No dog I know has ever seen a statue talk. Naturally, I fell prostrate on the ground in complete submission to this supreme creature.

The statue identified itself as St. Francis of Assisi. First he said,

"Hey, you, HELL HOUND. That's right, you,... You smelly mutt, listen up!"

I shook with fear and threw my paws up to heaven, asking Alpha Omega Numero Uno Dog for protection. I don't think he heard, because the statue stepped up to me, and kicked me in the tail. Next we were face to face. In an act of surrender, I tried to lick the bird droppings off his stony head, but he just scowled and smacked me across my snoot. "That's for lifting your leg on me five hundred times a day." The statue snarled.

I apologized profusely, and promised to be a better dog. Then I saw a pirate cat sitting on the chain link fence, and I got sidetracked. I hopped the gate and chased him until I got lost. Steamy fog was swirling around my head like the time my fur magically dried after a bath at Murray's dog hotel. Then I caught sight of the cat again, hissing from atop a rounded stone. I charged at the feline, because I love playing with crazy cats, but was stopped dead in my tracks, (no pun intended). Inscribed on the stone was the name: "Hell Hound." I yelped in fright. Then I begged the cat for my life. The street urchin pummeled me with his paws, then moved aside the fur on his belly to reveal a scary pup named "Humility" popping out of his belly button, and I was CHANGED.

I woke up on the lawn again, flat on my back. "What day is it?!" I asked the statue of St. Francis of Assisi. No answer. Then I saw the doody I made earlier this morning on Alpha Dog's garden stepping stones and realized, I'M ALIVE and it's still TODAY! "Hooray!" I barked for joy. In short, I've decided to turn over a new leaf.

-Hell Hound

Editor's Note: St. Francis of Assisi (the very kind, patron saint of animals) was not actually harmed in the making of this post.