Monday, March 22, 2010

Hell Hound Changes History!

(This one is for Mr. Putz.)

Hell Hound Changes History!

Senators, run for your lives...

Hello odorless, television device that mesmerizes humans. It's me, Hell Hound, stealing a few minutes to write about my latest adventure. It all started last weekend, while I was romping in my world. I spotted my mother, Trixie, and her gang of rabid, abandoned Beagles approaching me. At first I was very excited to see her again; (our first meeting occurred a few months ago when Norman Whiskers was banking on the idea that her friends would send me to doggie heaven.)

"Mother, is it you, come again to visit me?" I asked as she hopped the fence. Standing beside her was Biggy Smalls, the rapper pigeon who has a beef with me. (Long story short, I ate his brother.)

"Hell Hound. There is something I have not shared with you," said my birth mother, hesitating.

Then Biggy put his feathered arm around my Trixie-Mom.

"Ima be brief, dawg. Your mama and me is married now," the pigeon interrupted. As his words stung my mite-free ears, I noticed a bunch of matching gold chains around my mom's neck. She smiled weakly, revealing a gold fang.

"Nooooooooooo!" I exclaimed, running amok in the yard. "This can not be happening to me!"

Inside the house again, I decided to watch some Fox News to take my mind off of my dysfunctional family. However, my conscience was driving me mad.

"I'm losing my mind!" I whined. "My mother married a pigeon! According to that sign on television, I have to Stop Obamacare or Grandma Will Die! What is this world coming to?"

(Then, Hell Hound's proud heritage, sans pigeons, rose up before her eyes.)

"Am I not descended from Billy Goat, a member of the livestock of General Grant? Am I not the great-grand-dog of President Richard Nixon's best friend?"

(Suddenly, the image of Checkers, Richard Nixon's beloved furry Statesman popped into her mind's eye.)

"Hell Hound, my great, grand-dog, go to the White House! Confront President Obama. Save Hyde, Save the world," the ghost of Checkers chanted.

I shook my snoot in disbelief, because I had never seen an actual specter before, (not counting Scutch the Butcher- a crazy dead stray cat who lives in our attic). Checkers was instantly gone, and I was inspired! I started running to Washington D.C. (After all, politicians look yummy on television.) Ima get me some doggy snacks. I thought.

At Walmart I found the perfect disguise. The checkout girl confirmed that the hunting hat and weird glasses did not make me look too Communist.

Finally, I got to the Senate floor, and stopped to relieve myself. The humans were snarling and bug-eyed. I knew I was in the right place.

"Show me your leader," I demanded bravely, but they did not comply. Soon women in pants suits and men with toupees were pelting me and trying to pin me down. I started ripping up that place and biting heels.

In the meantime, I got some good inside gossip for my job as a contributor to the website OMG! Senator Mitch McConnell is really tough on the teeth. I cracked my fang trying to rip his socks off. (My Lady says he needs to chill; no wonder- it turns out that guy wears his pajamas under his clothes.) Nancy Pelosi's ring tone is "Iron Man." Her phone was tasty. When she caught me under the table she started beating me. She was wearing a big ring with her image engraved that left an impression on the top of my head. (Write that down, PETA. I can forward pics.)

The last politician I chewed was Senator Robert Byrd. He was playing Sudoku under the table. He tasted just like chicken. That's when the Secret Service dragged me out of there and handed me over to the Homeland Security Department. They locked me in a dog pen in the coat closet.

Are they kidding me? These people better get on the ball before something bad happens to our country again. Every terrorist knows that dog pens are no match for trained Hell Hounds. I just ate my way through the plastic floor. That's when I realized how hungry I felt and I noticed a stack of papers placed on a low shelf. The cover sheet read:


A tragedy in multiple acts

rough draft #456,660

Starring: Barack Obama and Friends

It was yummy. Then I licked a hole through the transparent door and wandered down the hall looking for dessert.

That's when I heard:

"Come on, boy, it's lunch time!"
I knew it was the voice of President Obama calling his pathetic pure bred Snickerdoodle dog.

I adjusted my disguise and pranced into the room. Lucky for me, the new door to the Oval Office is transparent now too.

President Obama hit the intercom button.

"This isn't my dog," he said, alarmed.

Then I ate the phone wire.

"That's right, Mr. President. I'm Hell Hound, the mutt you rejected in the reality show competition to be the next First Dog. I'm back and I have demands."

"Okay." said the president, calmly. "What do you want?"

"I want you to save your Hyde and compromise," I threatened him. "Make me First Dog!"

President Obama sighed, and shrugged.

"You say that you want to be First Dog. But that's a compromise that the American people cannot, and will not accept. We may not see eye to eye, but I think I can do something that will make you go away, Hell Hound. I will write an Executive Order to preserve and extend the Hyde Amendment. So, go home, Hell Hound. You accomplished great things today, and tell your human mother that I got her 500 pro-life emails. I still don't agree, but obviously I have to hear her!"

So I trotted home, thinking quietly about the day's strange occurrences. Overall, I was proud of myself, and my Lady. On my way home, I returned my disguise at Walmart since I never cut off the tags.


The Meowers from Missouri said...

that will certainly be somethin' to see. dbd has no idea inna world who sean hannity is, but she's furry acited thinkin' about dogs an' human beans meetin'. she's pretty sure they're gonna romp an' play fetch an' chase an' roll in dead birds an' run around with their tongues hangin' out. of course she does; she's a labrador.

anyway, we'll read the post to her if she'll promise to stay outta dad's chair when we wanna use it.

Putz said...

finnally an actual report on a do gooder dog, i was so tired of norman and his all gooder {only one in the world or afterlife} cat tiraids>>>i don't like all the abortion money in this health bill, but i do think a person has a right for care{30 million peoples}

Hell Hound said...

Hello Cyborg-dorgs, My vet said I was suffering from Hamlet Syndrome when I went all crazy and ran to Washington last week. Stay tuned...

rhymeswithplague said...

This is hilarious and yet poignantly sad at the same time....

I am sick over Rep. Stupak's capitulation.

Best advice ever from FOX News commentators: Don't listen to what Barack Obama says; watch what he does. (Hint: Usually they're the opposite.)

But this post made me smile!

Loren Christie said...

Hi Mr. Brague,
I think it's sad that pro-lifers did not make more of an impact on this legislation, however, I am happy that the Hyde Amendment will be upheld and extended. At least the government sees how strong the pro-life movement is in this country. There are aspects of the healthcare reform bill that I think are good and necessary. At the same time, I am wary of finding out how this change will affect taxes and if it will, in the long run, truly benefit Americans. I agree with you about actions and words. Emerson said "Your actions are so loud I can't hear what you say." I'm so glad I made you smile!

Putz said...

hey you didn't make me SMILE,,, NO NO NO,my {UT}att,, gen shirtliff is going to sue the american government and we are all going to texas to live as she succeededs from the union::::my neighbor says he will not, i repeat will not live in a state that supports the present government>>i will continue to bury my heaad uder my pillow

Loren Christie said...

Well, alright Mr. Putz, but if you're going to pick a state to leave the Union, why not choose New York? Here we have mountains, forests, and the ocean, urban and suburban life, the Yankees and the Jets,the best pizza, zeppolies, bagels, representation of all the world cultures and people as resilent as roaches. New York is my country.

Anonymous said...

Extremely well executed piece.

Loren Christie said...

this is one of my fav posts of all time. thank you.

Dear Internet Traveler,

Welcome to my writer's blog, started about six years ago for fun. Over time, the writing I have posted has ranged from personal reflection, to Long Island history research, to tall tales for my own amusement, to feature articles for local newspapers. As you can see from topics listed here, I travel in many mental directions in regard to interests. Click on the tabs and labels to explore my strange mind which senses that you may be having a criss-cross day. If so, perhaps this blog will distract you. However, please note that if you tell me my blog is beautiful just to get me to advertise rhinoplasty surgery and cheap drugs from Canada in your comment, I will ask the gods to give you a tail that cannot be concealed.


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